Wildcat's Jungle Lair

2003-02-21T07:36:00.000-05:00

yeah i am still alive...

til later-
bye

2002-11-25T20:27:00.000-05:00

time marches on...
and if your not paying close attention...
you get trampled and kicked into a ditch on the side of that long bumpy road otherwise known...
as life.

well, it has been ...
oh, just a tiny little bit of time since i last posted...really truly posted.
not just a hallelujah the mini people are back in school post.

and my lord in heaven....has life just been going full ...
no make that... warped speed ahead.

hmmm were should i start.

well the last real post was way back in june...so..
sis skills did indeed rush off to the most romantic place on earth to say her life binding vows.
hmmm, peanut is thinking of setting up house with ts...
those who try to use the gray matter in the vast voids ontop of the shoulder area, should be able to figure that out.

next, i met tc...of all places....match.com
ok...not the most conventional of places but hey, i thought it was a pretty good laugh when i put the ad on...little did i know...my life as i knew it was about to be forever altered.

my very being has been completely fulfilled...
i am now possessing knowledge of football.
how did i ever live without knowing what a safety or a two point conversion was.
yes...i was very sheltered.
tc has opened a whole new world for me...

tc now has a key to the house.
he also has his own parking spot.
his mail is now sent to my little abode.
he owns the left side of our bed.
and he now, holds my heart.
sigh
i know...way to sappy for me.
ok. enough of that crap.

though it is not all skipping through the daisies....
there seems to be this little green monster that is about to jump out...
i'm starting to get the feeling that...
well..skye and ghost are liking tc more than me.

gasp

i know...not possible...

well just this little bit of writing has released some tension i have had building.
so thank you blogger.

see there has also been the crap of the ex...choosing not to see or speak to the mini people for over 8 weeks, the fact that the lawyer i am paying seems to forget that he works for me, my house looks like a storage facility just vomited, work, a tupperware party sticking it's tongue out, a childs 10th b-day to be planned, did i mention the storage facility which threw up in my house?, getting up before the cock on thanksgiving(hmmm where is the thanking part of that...oh yeah...the fact that i can get up) to go cook with good ole mom, dealing with the knowledge of people you care about stepping in front of a 18 wheeler barreling down on them with no working brakes whats so ever, oh the storage facility just chucked up again, and did we forget in between all this...kids wanting , oh...everything, the ex doing what ever to spite me, findinging time to spend with friends, finding money to spend on holidays, decorating the vomit for the holidays, shopping, painting, being cheerful, breathing, and well life?

ahhh...there is nothing like ranting and complaining and self pity to make a body feel better.

remember to be thankful...

even if it is only for the fact that the jets actually won again this week.
see miracles do happen.

gooble gooble all!

til later-
bye

2002-09-03T20:23:00.000-04:00

YAHOOOOOOOO!!!!
YIPEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
PRAISE THE GODS!!!!!!
HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!

school starts tommorrow!!!!!!

doin' the happy dance!!!!

til later-
bye

2002-06-19T08:48:00.000-04:00

and the beat goes on....
and on ....
and on....
and on.

and then...

silence.

sis, skills, stopped by last night on her way to the track.
not a real interesting phenomena in it's self.
the little tid-bit of info she dropped in my lap later on ...
well, i'm still thinking she may be playing a joke on this gullible feline.

she started off by asking if i had plans next weekend...
"not at this moment," i replied.
would i be willing to take her 5 yr old son for the weekend while she and her whipping boy went to vegas, was her query.
(whipping boy is her significant other....they have been together for 10 yrs...and he is the father of her child.)
as i was about to answer of course...
she adds...

we are going to get married.

can i just say....
i was dumbfounded...
speechless...
this is not a easy feat to accomplish with this feline, as peanut, skye, logi, and ghost could verify.

see, wb has been trying to get skills to marry him for oh....the last 4-5 yrs.
she has actually said yes maybe 2 of the times, but then proceeded to change her mind.
she says she just doesn't want to get married.
i think she's scared.
but it looks like wb has finally worn her down.

but vegas.....jeez...

elvis will be their one and only witness.

hmmm...maybe she's on to something there.

speaking of weddings...
sat. is the big date with logi to the wedding.
we are both anticapating all the fun she and i can cause together...hehehe.
my only problem...trying to figure out wedding etiquette regarding clothing....sigh.

fri. night is the second ragnarock at the velvet lounge.
it looks like there will be a bit of a brood heading down thanks to me...:)
this time around...it will be all 80's....
YIPEEE!
peanut along with tequilla sunrise...the infamous "x", will be among the throngs...
lb, and i do believe, broadway, are also showing up....
what a weekend this will be.
great music..
great people...
celebration...
and of course...
my favorite...

laughter.

smile peoples!

til later-
bye

2002-06-06T17:33:00.000-04:00

pandora's box need's to be opened every once and a while...
otherwise, dust will collect, hinges will rust, and no one will ever remember why they weren't supposed to open her to begin with.

i, and pretty much everyone in attendance tues. night, have first hand knowledge in the pandora's box that is otherwise known as...
peanut.

peanut decided to start her 32nd year with a bang.
she succeeded...and then some.

there was mucho consumption by peanut...
sexual exploration by peanut...
physical abuse by peanut...
and personal info shared by peanut.
not her own info mind you....
mine.

sigh.

ok....
peanut is a light weight...
100lbs. wet.
i state this to give you an idea of what condition she wound up in.
6 mind erasers, multiple shots, and at least 2 mysterious drinks later...

and pandora's box is thrown wide open.
gender was no match for this woman.
peanut's quaesitum knew no bounds.

i wish i could have seen the look on my own face when i turned and saw peanut exploring her sexualality with another x for the first time.
personally....i believe that you never know...until ya try.
peanut....
well lets just say....
she didn't quiet agree with that philosophy.
she's rethinking it now.
:)
unfortunately, in her drunken stupor, she decided it was my responsibility to control HER actions.
this is when she slapped me 3 times for not stopping her exploration.
she quickly forgot her actions, yet managed to repeat them 2 more times through the night.

as for the info she shared...i'm not repeating it here.
my ego took enough of a beating tues...
along with my cheek.

i do believe i fulfilled my responcibilities for the evening.
i made sure peanut arrived and returned home safely, that her lack of inibitions was not taken advantage of and i pulled down that damm excuse of a skirt she wore at least 953 times.

i really do need to find a more productive hobby...
i think...i enjoyed being a martyr.

and though she doesn't remember it...

she had fun.

happy birthday peanut.

we all should open pandora's box...

just not with peanut.
:)

til later-
bye

2002-06-05T09:01:00.000-04:00

oh my god....
i'm dead on my feet and have to leave for work in about 10 min.
last night we celebrated peanut's b-day.
or should i say...she celebrated enough for EVERYONE...
after i brief peanut later on what actually happened (she did not have the mental capabilities to retain memories of the evening...night...and morning...sigh)
...i will be back to fill you all in...at least those of you who weren't among the spectators.
i'll just leave ya with this for now....
getting slapped in the face 5 times....gets a bit redundant.
more to come...

til later-
bye

2002-06-02T17:29:00.000-04:00

sometimes...you just have to take the brass in your hands and run...
just remember to check that both shoes are tied.

so last night i'm trying to bring myself back from the dead zone...
sinus.
...and i get the ultimate phone call.
the best date proposal i have had in..
well... too long.

yipeeeeee.

a date that i'm truly looking forward to....
that i know will be fun...
that won't have me stressed.

logi has asked me to be her date for the wedding on the 22nd.

how much more could i possibly ask for?

next...this tues. is peanut's b-day.
it is turning out to be a very interesting phenomena.

see, she has refused to celebrate her b-day since about 27.
she cried that year...seriously.
she cried 'cause....she was 3 yrs from turning 30.
so now she's turning 33...oops, make that 32.
and she actually wants to celebrate.

i think the planets are starting to align.

we will be celebrating doing...what else...you guessed it...
karaoke.
besides the usual tues night crowd, co-workers of hers will be coming down too.
i am to be her designated driver.
the inference there...
she will be drinking...

i'm thinking... i should charge a cover.

how do i put this...
peanut drunk....is well...
a very friendly peanut.
a very hot peanut...who likes to shed more than just her shell.
come one...come all...
this is gonna be fun.

well pressure is building once again and my meds are calling out to me.

til later-
bye

2002-05-28T21:16:00.000-04:00

i can't think of anything to write about...
that can be read by others.

sigh.
i'll try again tomorrow...
or the next day...
or the next...

til later-
bye

2002-05-21T08:08:00.000-04:00

just put one foot in front of the other...and soon you'll be walking out...splat....ewww....
damm dog.

what a weekend ...what a weekend.
new experiences.
new people.
new place.
no sleep.

so my weekend started out on fri at 7:00am.
i went to work as usuall.
came home, did a few things, got ready for my night out, and waited for no name to pick me up.
velvet lounge here we come.

now there is a whole other twist to this story....but i'm not sharing that one yet.
stickin' the tongue out!
anyway, the lounge is in stony brook/ e. setauket.
right past stony brook college.
it took us about a half an hour to get there...surprise...we didn't get lost.
this had been a very worrisome concern.

i have fallen in love...
with this place.
it is attached to an indian restuarant, the curry club.
actually it is the front of the building.
the entrance to this intimate gathering place are 2 double doors, that when the sky doesn't open up and down pour, both open up, to a deck with chairs, tables and umbellas.

i'm not quit sure what i expected before walking in.
my nerves were a bit jumbled to begin with (the little twist i mentioned earlier),
i'm actually happy that there were no preconcieved expectations floating around the burrows of my mind.
the lounge is small. there is no getting around this fact.
it is also very dim, the majority of lighting seemed to come from candles lit up all around.
this really isn't fact, the candles gave the illusion of being the only lighting.
high ceilings with wood beams, carpeting....yeah, that kinda surprised me....carpeting in a bar?
and couches.
velvet couches.

since no name and i arrived early, around 8:30, we were able to get a peice of real estate at the bar. this turned out to be a good thing as the entertainment for the joint was a new venue that evening.
ragnarock...i will explain momentarily.
so, i proceeded to get friendly with the drink mixers....very important step.
scott and lisa were a laugh a min. right off the bat.
add to them ian, the manager.
friendly, fun, and outgoing...these people are great.

ok..ragnarock.
and the dj.

whenever i think of a dj, i think of some guy spinning music.
what else right?
well, i found out differently.
dj james....actually, it's slim jim, but as fate would have it...i used that name recently.
another lil' twist of fate.
hmm....we'll go with dj sj...he has put together this....show.
fri. night turned out to be the first one.
now as with anything, the first time is bound to have some bugs to work out. as he told me later...he had a few.
i myself didn't notice.
think...music, video, movie clips, lights, special effects, sound effects....
it was artistic, and highly animated.
i found out i missed certain references to different sets of music, but i have to admit...my mind was a teeny bit pre-occupied.
though certain mixes of music that sj contorted were surpringly well suited.
there is a definate talent in taking two different genres of music, etching them together and having them sound better, meshed with each other.

sj has another ragnarock sometime in june....this time he'll be revisting my favorites....the 80's.
i can't wait.
the only aspect of the show that might improve it,(outside of whatever technical crap they work out)
is sj. i wanted to hear more from him...real humorus guy with a strong personality, yet he hardly spoke through out the show....sigh
i just wanted to hear his voice.
:)
he also does a karaoke gong on thurs. there.
yes gong...
as in gong show. how funny is that?
i have to figure a way to get down there to see this...i'm laughing already.

due to friends getting themselves into situations that should be avoided...

i got home about 7:45 in the morning.
i had to be at work at 8:00.
i was a lil' late.
and proceeded to work til 1:00.
picked up the mini people, spent time with them, did dinner, and finally fell into bed..alone...sigh...around 9:30/10.

now....for the big question on everyones mind....
did that feeling i have been having lately go away?
yes....i was right...it was a good thing.
but of course god played with me a bit....the little twists.

i'm happpy.
go figure.

it's about time.

til later-
bye

2002-05-16T07:39:00.000-04:00

the wheels on the bus go round and....
ta-thump...swooooosh...
dammit....another flat.

so it's thurs. morning and i am already anticapating the coming weekend.
no real reason .
i'm supposed to be checking out a new place with a girlfriend...um still can't come up with an adequate name for her...and she needs one.
we are not allowed to use her real name here...
witness protection and all.
anyway, her friend told her about some place out east that is hoppin...
an intimate place with a great dj....
sounds good to me..
let's go.

she's getting directions today.
i hope she remembers to find out the name of this place too.
i don't know why... maybe it would help us on our journey there.
so i'll be sure to let you all know whether or not i wasted a fri night when i could have been down at karaoke.

yeah, you read that correctly.
i'm willing to pass up an evening of fun and laughter and singing....
for the unknown....
oooh... i'm living so dangerously.

murphy seems to have backed off a bit this week.
though, now that i have voiced that thought..
he will find his way back into my life and heart this weekend.

i still feel like i'm waiting, and the restlessnes is prominant.
i have concluded though, that whatever i'm waiting for, will be a good thing, and is right around the corner.
i came about this conclusion in a logical scientific thought process.
see, everytime murphy has paid me a visit...he didn't send a greeting first to let me know he'd be stopping on by.
there was no warning, no feeling of trepidation.
just BAMM...i'm here to screw with your life.
and now, this restlessness and feeling of waitng are here hanging around, keeping me company...
so...whatever will will happen will be good.
besides...
i WANT it to be good.
and dammit, i'm getting my way this time!

well reality is calling.
the voices are rising.
3 to be exact.
before i go, i 'd like to raise my mug of coffee to a new friend, slim jim, who has provided me with many interesting, unique, and often hysterical conversations.
cheers my friend.

i'm off to do a 12 hr day at work...
yipee.

naked chests and electrodes here i come.

til later-
bye

2002-05-13T20:48:00.000-04:00

families of mexican migrants who died in the arizona desert, while illegally entering the u.s., have filed a $41.25 million wrongful death claim against the u.s.gov't. for not allowing do gooders to put up water stations in the less populated areas of the desert.
these people and their lawyers claim that the lack of water stations in the arizona desert contributed to the deaths of 11 illegal migrants who died while ILLEGALLY coming into this country.

i am not joking or making this up in any way.

i was listening to sean hennity, a radio personality on 77 wabc. this was one of the topics.
this is really going on right now. apparently u.s. border patrols shut down the more populus ports of entry to our fine country, forcing these mutants...sorry migrants, to cross over more treacherous areas of the desert in order to sneak in our back door.

so what....we are now supposed to help facilitate illegal migration.
if we are going to put up water stations for these mutants, oops...migrants, then why stop there.
i'm sure they would appreciate a hot bath, hot food, warm clothes and a soft bed.
so lets set up some holiday inns for them along the way.
these people chose to sneak into this country ILLEGALLY. they chose to go through the desert and risk their lives.
jesus christ.
what's next- families of haitian refugees who died in the treacherous oceans will sue our gov't agencies for not keeping the waves calmer?
this is rediculous and sad.
sad that in a post 9-11 u.s. there are actually people supporting these illegal migrants.
people like the good rev. dr. robin hoover who also spoke on todays show. he is for the mutants.

i say if these people want to come into this country...do it legally.
or...
get the fuck out...
or ...
die.

simple.

excuse me now... i need to go leave my car doors open, windows down and keys in my car.
lord knows i don't want to get sued cause some jack ass decided to steal my car and since i was cruel enough not to leave the doors unlocked he had to break the window, getting tiny shards of glass lodged in his retinas. which of course hindered him from correctly hot wiring the vehical(since i cold heartedly brought the keys into the house) and causing him to get an electrical shock from which he is still glowing from.

only in america.

til later-
bye

2002-05-12T08:56:00.000-04:00

who says i can't admit when i am wrong....the following was an e-mail sent to me curtesy of degy...yummy bar tender dude.
i am printing it exactly as he wrote it.

In response to your last blog….

9 months is actually 39 weeks when you add in the extra days at the end of the month, because 4 weeks = only 28 days.

For more relevance, check this out…

9 months out of 12 months = 75% x 52 weeks = 39 weeks

or, more accurately…

364.75 days in a year divided by 12 months in a year equals an average of 30.395833 days in a month x 9 months = 273.56249 days divided by 7 days in a week = 39.080355 weeks

therefore…

If you are pregnant for 40 weeks, then you are pregnant for 9 months and 0.9719645 weeks (40 weeks minus 39.080355 weeks that make up a month), which equals 9 months, 6 days, 10 hours, 30 minutes, and 1.296 seconds! So relax! Less than one more week of carrying your beloved baby around in your stomach rather that on your aching hip will not kill you. And if it does, then a real man will deal with the extra back rubs, foot rubs, and clit rubs as necessary.

Good writing, though….

By the way, Yes, I DID do all of that math by myself!

…sigh

and so i stand corrected.
of course when you consider the idea of what it must feel like to carry an alien lacrosse team around for 9 months, 6 days,10 hours, 30 min, and 1.296 sec....well let me reasure you....it feels like 20yrs, 8 months, 14 hrs, 52 min, and 33.4673 sec.

double that for twins.

actually...quadrouple that for twins.

so, when you think about it...i wasn't that far off.

and degy really needs to find a more productive hobby.
solving math problems just to prove my error...is welll...
just plain wrong.

degy, sweetie, i'll help you come up with a more productive hobby.

the inside of your fridge is calling out.

til later-
bye

2002-05-08T20:45:00.000-04:00

just as my life is sliding through the 3 foot deep puddle of pudding,
i realize...
i prefer jello.

before i go any further, i apologize for my last post.
i had semi conciously made a decision to keep details of my ex's multiple personalities out of this blog.
alas, i broke down and wrote last week regarding his inability to be quasi-normal.
apparently, he needed a break.
a weekend off.
he needed to re-group.
figure out what he was going to do next.
sigh.
and people wonder why i find the y's difficult to understand.
this is also why i consider myself easygoing.

i haven't put a hit out on the man.

yet.

moving on to more pleasent subjects.
i'm thinking about having a date with a sigmiodascope.

:)gotcha...figure that one out.

yeah, i know...i'm in a strange mood tonight.
i was told by two different people yesterday that i didn't seem myself lately.
(they used a bit more detail though)
they are right in a way.
i'm tired.
exhausted would probably be more acurate.
but not in the physical sense.

at the same time i'm feeling a certain restlessness and i don't quite know what to attribute it to.
i feel like i'm just sitting back waiting.

though, with the way murphy seems to have a crush on me,
i keep looking both ways when crossing the street....
cause there is a bus with my name plastered across that grill.

so, i'm waiting.

have i ever mentioned that i have like..no patience.
lets put it this way...
when i found out i was pregnant on a mon...
i wanted the labor and delivery to happen on a fri.
that following fri.
not the fri. that came 9 months later.
psst...for all you reading who actually can add...yes...that means 10 months of pregnancy.
not 9 months.
there is a vicious rumor/myth floating around out there that just won't die.
a normal human pregnancy is 40 weeks.
cough.
that is 10 months.
see they don't let us know about this before hand.
i can hear the y's scratching their heads...
what's 4 more weeks right?
HAH...you y's.
anyone who's ever been lucky enough to cart around an alien lacrosse team will be able to answer that for you.

well i'm done thinking about that.

i'm off to watch it wiggle and see it jiggle.
whip cream anyone?

til later-
bye

2002-05-02T23:49:00.000-04:00

sometimes one of the most unfortunate facts of life is that we don't choose who our parents are.

divorce can be brutal, hurtful, scary, confusing,stressful...all around horrible.
but, as one of the parties, it's a choice that was personally made.
children have no say in this.
they had no say in their parents marrying.
they had no say in their parents fucking up the marriage.
they had no say in who their parents would be period.
they never asked for any of it.
but because they got the short end of the stick...they won the "screw ups".

i was informed tonight by the mini people's other parent, that he wasn't going to be seeing them for awhile.
the reason...
jealousy.
a forty yr old man ruled by a childish feeling.
is this jealousy over another man?
no...don't i wish.
it's over his roomate...a female, who i happen to have developed a friendship with over the past few weeks.
he doesn't like this, so his answer...
stop seeing his children.

personaly, i think they will probably be better off without him.
but, children being children...they love him.
you know, that blind unconditional love given to a parent...
until your old enough...and strong enough to just say...no more.
if ever.

my fear is him drifting in and out of their lives.
the turmoil it causes.
the doubt.
the insecurity.
am i wrong to want to protect them from ever feeling this?

so i offered to end this friendship.
tonight.
he says it's too late and that i forced him to this choice he's making.
sad thing is...
he's half right.

not about his choice....he has to live with that.
but, having lived with him for over 10 yrs....
i knew he wouldn't be able to handle this friendship i made.
but i chose to continue it anyway.

see...choices.

i just never believed he would choose it as the excuse to drop out of three innocents lives.

is it to late for them to send him back stamped "defective"?

til later-
bye

2002-04-19T08:34:00.000-04:00

its scary when i'm excited that nothing major has happened this week.

once again it's fri., and though murphy still seems to be drifting in and out of my daily routines, he seems to not be playing with my life overly this week.

but i'm finding that when it comes to "time"ing, at least with my interaction with the "y's", i have none...
or...it sucks.

the problem i seem to be encountering...
different stages in life.
i'm involved...they're free.
i'm free...they're not.
i don't want a relationship...they do.
i'm ready for a relationship...they're not.
i just want to be friends..they want more.
i want more...they want to be my buddy.

ok...ya get the picture.
happened again tues. night.
went out to a local watering hole, where karaoke is also done.
though this place is missing some of the more attractive aspects of the fri night dive...
(this place just doesn't have degy bartending....he's another timing one...sigh)
anyway...
i'm out, having a good time with good people, and ...
i meet this terrific, funny, good looking guy.
we start talking and seem to be hitting it off.
there is also that under current of attraction going on...
cool..this could actually be intesting.
and then...
bammm.
he's seperated from his wife....
of 17yrs.
hmm...
so...i lent him an ear and helped him sort through some things...

he's going to try and save his marriage.
sigh...timing.
i have decided that this whole game of cat and mouse between the y's and x's, is not for me.
i'm so tired of it.
i think i'll stick to the vaa game.
at least then..my timing is right on...every time... :)

enough about timing.

so peanut moved out this week.
no, no...we did not fight.
it was just time for her to spread her shell and take root somewhere on her own...
so she's renting an apt. from my sis, skills.
more on that later.

tonight..more karaoke at the dive with degy bartending....yum.
good company and lots of laughter with great people.
what more could ya ask for on a fri night.

maybe i'll even meet the y of my dreams there..

he'll introduce me to his wife and 8 kids next week, when they come over from his home across the globe.

til later-
bye

2002-04-12T16:21:00.000-04:00

well today is fri and i have had the privilage of experiencing murphy's law alllll week long.
i was actually going to post about it on wed., but of course the way the week was i had tech. difficulties so alas....
no post.

i thought about filling you all in on my week from hell, but figured none of you would ever believe it...
except maybe for skye, who knows about my ironic perverse luck.

amazing how you can go ten years driving with no accidents and then, less than a week after getting car ins. in your own name for the first time...
you get into an accident...
that is your fault...
with a brand new 2002 car.

sigh.

anyway, i've decided, in honor of the whole driving deal, to post a short story i wrote about....
drum role please....
yup you guessed it...driving.
god, i'm just like...so... original.
have fun, it's lite reading...

The Test

Sarah grabbed her back pack from the locker. Her best friend, Jill, leaned up next to her.

"So, you ready? Count down, two hours, twenty three minutes till the test," Jill said smiling.

Sarah turned, "Real funny Jill. Just because you passed doesn't mean anything. I've heard of people taking at least two times to pass." Sarah said. "Besides, I only have to worry about the stupid parallel parking."

Jill giggled. "Just watch out for those telephone poles. Lord knows they are always jumping out at people," she said.

Sarah's face heated up, thinking of the incident with her brother's car. David let her practice her parking with his car last week and she'd done great. Unfortunately, on her last try she'd gotten distracted as a cat darted across the street. Sarah wound up getting a little to close to a pole on the side of the street. The passenger's side of her brother's Zephyr was now concave.

Sarah smiled and said, "David's still letting me use his car." She laughed at Jill's look of disbelief. "As long as I promised not to make the driver's side identical."

"Good Luck," Jill said. The bell signaled they were late for their next class. "I'll see you later," she said racing down the hall.

Sarah sighed. I'm going to need luck, she thought, walking into her next class.

Two hours, and twenty minutes later Sarah sat in her brother's Zephyr waiting for her test. Tapping her fingers on the steering wheel, she decided to listen to some music. The second her finger hit the play button, the passenger door opened. "Walking on the Sun" from Smash Mouth vibrated out. She scrambled to find the volume button. "...You might as well..." abruptly ended as a hand hit a button next to the clock.

Music, and I use the term loosely, should not be played while driving," the test instructor glared at Sarah. "At any level it distracts."

Sarah gulped and nodded her head yes, as the instructor settled herself into the passenger seat. The instructor's legs crammed into the dashboard. She put her clipboard on her lap and turned to Sarah.

"Well?" she asked.

"Umm, sorry about the seat. I can't reach the pedals with the seat back further," Sarah said softly. "I'm Sarah Mathews."

"You'll begin at exactly 3:00 p.m. You'll start the car then and I'll tell you were to go." The instructor said looking at her clip board.

Sarah looked to the clock. She checked her mirrors and seat belt. She stared down the street to where her test would take place. It looked like any typical suburban street. Trees, houses, cars, and a couple of kids walking a dog. Typical street Sarah thought, except her driving future would be decided on this street. Her leg began to bounce.

Annoyed, the instructor looked up. "Do you need the bathroom?" she snapped.

"No ma'am," Sarah replied.

"Then stop shaking. I can't write," barked the instructor.

"Yes Ma'am," Sarah whispered. She looked at the clock, 2:59. She wiped her hands on her jeans, and started the car.

The instructor looked up. "Drive to the stop sign, make a left, got to your next stop sign and make a right," she told Sarah.

Sarah hit her turn signal, glanced in her mirrors, and pulled the car away from the curb. Her eyes, darting from her mirrors to the street, noticed the instructor diligently writing while watching Sarah's every move. Sarah gulped. She hit her turn signal and slowed to a stop. Silently counting three seconds, Sarah glanced to the left and right. Remembering to place hand over hand, she made the turn sparing a glance at her instructor, again writing.

She could feel her face heating up and wanted desperately to wipe her hands on her jeans again.

"Keep your concentration on the road," snapped the instructor. "After your next turn, pull into a driveway and complete a three point turn."

Sarah checked her speed and continued to the next stop and made her turn. Three houses up was an empty driveway. She pulled in and executed a perfect turn. Trying not to smile, she looked at her instructor who again wrote something down.

"Drive to the blue Taurus and complete your parallel parking." stated the instructor.

So much for any recognition, Sarah thought. She looked up the street to where the pinnacle of her driving career waited. A utility pole was a few feet ahead of the Taurus. Sarah swallowed and pulled next to the car. In her rear view mirror she saw the kids walking their dog.

"Here goes everything," Sarah mumbled, shifting the car into reverse. Turning her wheel to the right, she slowly moved backwards. Turning her head, so she could see over her shoulder, Sarah quickly cut the wheel to the left, shifted the car into drive, and pulled foward about a foot from the Taurus.

Her instructor opened the door and leaned out. "Well done Miss Mathews. Proceed back."

Allowing a small smile, Sarah pulled out onto the street. She spared a glance to see the time. She'd never forget when she passed this test.

At that precise moment, a cat darted into the street, chased by the dog. The kids chased after him, desperately trying to get his leash. Sarah quickly turned the wheel to her right and stepped on her brakes. Shrieking could be heard as her tires fought to stop. The car jolted forward as the wheels finally complied and the car came to a halting stop, a foot away from the utility pole.

Sarah closed her eyes. So much for luck she thought.

"Are you all right Miss Mathews?" asked the instructor.

"Yes, fine. And you?" Sarah replied. After the nod from the instructor she asked, "I guess this means I don't pass?" Watching the instructor writing vigorously, Sarah bit her lip.

Her instructor said nothing, but a small smile appeared on her face. "I usually wait until we get back before giving results." she paused. "But under these circumstances I"ll make an exception."

"Your left turn was wide, and the right turn was too close to the curb. When you pulled out of the driveway, your foot was a bit heavy on the gas." she said and then grinned. "On the other hand, your three point turn and parallel parking were most adequate. But more than anything else, your handling of this crisis was admirable." Closing the file on her clipboard she reached to shake Sarah's hand.

"I'm passing you," she stated.

Sarah stared disbelieving. "Thank You, " she stammered.

"You may now drive us back. Remember, no music," her instructor said, trying not to laugh.

fell free to critique...gasp

til later-
bye

2002-04-10T20:04:00.000-04:00

if you believe hard enough...
bullshit.
never happens that way.

today is wednesday.
the week is half over.
and...i am in DESPERATE NEED for something GREAT to happen.

*NOTE_ this was all that was saved from wed.'s post...
welcome to my world.
til later-
bye

2002-04-07T01:33:00.000-05:00

ever notice how you can make plans...
simple ones or complex long term ones....
and surprise!
life interupts.

is it due to destiny, fate, serendipity, or plain ole "luck"?
is there a higher power governing our choices...
it is amazing what lack of sleep and intelligent people can come up with for conversation.

i just spent an hour and a half on the phone talking with felix.
it is 1:30 a.m.
he doesn't like to talk on the phone...go figure...(i'm still trying to figure that one out myself.)
some how during the course of this quick call we got on the subject of religious beliefs or the lack of.
this, of course, spurned the topic of destiny and fate.
i have had similar discussions with dear ole ghost.

see, the two different views that were established were...
1. there is no god. everything that happens is strickly left to us and nature.
2. there is a higher power, ie.god, things are fated, like death, and everything has a destiny, perhaps more than one.

the debate has valid points on both sides, though i don't believe that either of us is in any danger of changing our beliefs.
felix is very conserned by this. he is cautious about voicing his beliefs for the fear that something he might say could possibly change how someone looks at their own faith or beliefs.
this is why out of respect for him, i am not actually giving details on who's belief was who's.

ok, at this point you are probably thinking...
why the fuck did ya write this, if your not gonna tell us what was said.

i'll tell you why...
to think.
what are your true beliefs. and could you actually defend them...
or do you just spout the same ole retoric that was shoved down your throat as a child...
not forming your own personal thoughts and feelings.

its a scary feeling to think differently,
to have a differing opinion that is questioned.
to be able to explain or defend your beliefs takes courage...especially to stick with them.
this is were i envy ghost a bit.
he, as we have all read at some point, has no problems voicing his own thoughts and opinions...
usually reveling in the thought that it will differ from what people are willing to admit outloud.
though he has the uncanny ability to piss off the masses at large, he never backs down from his beliefs.
and we, keep coming back.

well at this point i am exausted and know that i have straid from what i was originally thinking.
clocks have now jumped ahead an hour and i need to sort through some silk scarfs i bought today.

as fate beckons, i will end here.

til later-
bye

2002-04-04T10:13:00.000-05:00

there is a god.
computer god that is.
and his name is hot rod.

i bow down to you oh magnificant one.
you are my hero.

ok...i am back...for good this time.
did ya miss me....:)

yes my pc has recuporated with the help of hot rod.
but my spelling hasn't...oh well...deal.

so it's been a while since i could sit back and relax in my own home and type at my own leisure....
know what...i have no idea what to talk about.
there is quite alot that has been going on since oct 16.
yes, that was the last time this hunk of crap was working.

ever have a fantasy become a reality?
(how was that for a segway...not)
there is a chance of not 1 but 2 of mine happening.
not the fantasy involving blind folds and restrict devices....thats one that i'll have to work on later.
no, these two involve to different people.

first is felix.
someone whom i have had this little tiny infatuation with for, oh, like a few months.
now, mind you he was always this fantasy....i always knew nothing would come of it...
he was...and is...
my eye candy.
then...wham.
we start to become...gasp
friends.
surprisingly...i find him genuinly interesting and fun.
and he seems to really like my writing...

he doesn't read much.

so...who knows...

ok...second fantasy involves mr.baseball, who shall be refered to as...mr. b.
he was my highschool fantasy.
i was like, so in love with this guy for like,(just a note about all the "likes"...i went to school in the 80's) three years, basically right up til i started dating nightskye.
(for those who didn't know, skye and i were highschool sweethearts...ahhhh isn't that sickenly sweet...gag)
anyway, mr.b and i were the best of friends. he was a year ahead of me in school and had a girlfriend....sigh
so nothing ever happened. we just remain buddies, hanging out, playing ball, me helping him with math and my crush just being accepted as the norm.

the last i saw mr. b was about 12 or so years ago.

and then about 2 weeks ago we talked on the phone.
after about 5 min...
it was like we had never lost touch.
our friendship is still there.
so we have decided to get together, possibly tonight.
we both admit that there is a curiosity to what we look like after 12 years.
i'm a bit nervous.
i'm comfortable with the idea of renewing this special friendship from my past, but there is that 15 year old voice in the far reaches of my wonderous brain whispering....

"your both single now..."

i have decided to ignore the voices...
for now.
i'll let ya know if i should start listening later.
but with my luck...

fantasy will become reality...

and reality sucks.

til later-
bye

2002-03-03T13:51:00.000-05:00

well i'm back...
for today, that is.
got to love borrowing other people's computers....ones that work....sigh
i know logi....bring it over to you....

so i have time to write today....now all i need to do is figure out what i'd like to say...or, more importantly, what won't get me in trouble.

i found out this weekend that i may have a slight problem controling my temper....especially when it's not directed at the right person.

you know...like speaking whatever is in my mind with out actually thinking it out rationally.

alas....i think i may have done this.

add to the inability to think first is stress.....mucho.

ever wonder why it seems that everything comes down on you at one time....

also add in there....physical pain.
*to clarify, i will briefly explain....
peanut and i did a little weekend getaway 2 weeks ago...to a dude ranch....don't even think of snickering.
we had a great time....horseback riding, shooting guns, making nice-nice with the cowboys and then....
we go to leave...car is packed, lets go say goodbye to our new friends....
i step and BOOM...

a torn deltoid ligament in my right foot.

i am a spaz.

ok...so that there explains the physical pain.

this week i have recieved my divorce papers, which need to be modified, have been told that my personality needs to be modified, and have to do a relationship modification with about 3 different people.

ahhh....there in lies the crux...relationships.
we have them everywhere we look.
between friends, between lovers, between aquiantances.

and i have decided....i don't want them...they are way too much trouble.

i think i want to be like a new friend of mine, hermit.

just cut myself off from the rest of civilization...well what we call civilization.
he just may have the right idea.

til later-
bye

2002-01-26T16:08:00.000-05:00

just a quick thought....what happened to all these blogs?
they are missing something...what happened clotters?
til later-
bye

2001-12-28T23:55:00.000-05:00

psst...it's me...
you know...the MIA cat...
sigh...fine be that way.
i'll be on my way again.

not...well, not just yet.

ok..it's fri. night, i have no sarcastic little people because they are staying over with their dad (i still haven't come up with an appropriate name for him yet)...skye don't even bother with your suggestions.
annnnyway...what am i doing with a night all to myself?

babysitting.

yes....you read that correctly.

i am the most wonderful sister in the universe.

so this is why i'm posting...because i have access here at my sis's house.

this is why i have not be online in like a millennium.

my brother fixed my computer.
mind you, it was not broke to begin with.
but he decided to fix it.
he reformatted my hard drive...wiping everything out.
then he put in windows xp.
ok...i'm with him so far.
then he puts back in my cd rom drive.
ok...i'm with him so far.
then i don't have sound.
ok...WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T FIND MY SOUND DRIVE!...hmmm...no...i'm losing him now.
then we go to load my aol....
which won't load...at all...any of them....not 4.0 right on up to 7.0.
ok....i'm not a happy camper...
nor an ecstatic winnebago...(i have no idea how to spell that and neither does spell check)
and definitely not a exceptionally pleased recreation vehicle.

sigh...

the computer says... i have no modem.
but i do...i swear...and it's hooked up....yes correctly.

peanut and i have had about 5 people look at this hunk of permanent stress and ya know what we get told...

5 different things....which leads me to believe...

no one knows what the hell they are talking about.(sorry logi...ya know i love ya...its the frustration talking)

so i have no idea what to do next.

i really have a lot to write about....
many interesting and not so interesting things have happened since 10/16/01.
many dilemmas too.
plus i set myself up for the ultimate paradox.
maybe i'll tell ya next time.
i'm outta here for now...
an exceptional new year to you all.

til later-
bye

2001-10-16T09:49:00.000-04:00

ok..just a quick post to say...i am alive and well..
yes chynakatt....it's all the vaa's fault.

i have been diligently practicing so that i too may become an advanced player....

hell the way i'm going...

i will be a master.

hahahahahaha

oh...peanut asks...do visuals count as equipement?
i say they are enhancements.

til later-
bye

2001-09-26T10:08:00.000-04:00

CALLING ALL WOMEN...
the juices are flowing...creative that is...
a special invitation to join the GAME.

as many of you have probably read from logi and broadway, a GAME has begun.
at the last count, i, peanut and now rhinogirl(rg) have joined in.

here's some background...a quiet sat night was being enjoyed by this cat, when the phone rang about midnight...
logi and broadway where sitting outside my house...well come on in i invited.

WARNING: "x" chromosomes sitting drinking coffee/tea at midnight is a dangerous and revealing situation.

when it was learned that a certain feline had never particapated in the GAME,
it was decided that logi and broadway were going to initiate me.
and off they went on a shopping spree for the sporting equipment at 1:00am.

when they returned, i was the proud new owner of the necessary equipment to join in.
logi upgraded her own equipment, as she is an advanced player.
after logi called this cat, once again, on sun to pause in her practice...well...let's just say...i'm now anticapating getting proficiant enough to upgrade myself....osaki here i come...:)

my initial critique of the GAME:

"one of the last remaining aspects of my virginity has been eradicated...
...and this cat is purring in satisfaction."

in an e-mail this morning we learned that rg would like to join in the GAME...we welcome her with osaki's arms...especially after learning of her own superior knowledge...13? you go rg!!!! :)

peanut is anxious to upgrade her own equipment, so a shopping spree is being organized right this moment.
all are invited to come...
date and time will be posted.

here are a few simple rules for the GAME:

1. winning is NOT the ultimate goal....HOW you play is.
2. satisfaction is guaranteed...every time.
3. there is never any rejection...no being picked last for kickball...smile rg!
4. only 1 player needed...though 2 or more players recomended for advance players.
5. can be practiced anywhere you dare...for as long as you can endure.
6. all rules subject to your own personal pleasure and tastes.

and so... once again i invite all x's to come and play...

operation: vibrate across america...
has begun.

y's beware.

til later-
bye

2001-09-21T12:28:00.000-04:00

out of the mouth's of babes...
a 9 yr old boy called into a radio station yesterday morning.
he had a request.
instead of calling the wtc site ground zero...it should be refered to as ground HERO.
we should listen more closely to our children.

2001-09-21T11:20:00.000-04:00

what is there to say, that has not already been said.

nothing.

i commend the postings i have been reading, skye's, broadway's...(yes it's broadway...not siren-that is ghost's pet name for her and she has asked me to refer to her as broadway, as she herself does...too bad other's don't get her obviously too subtle hint)anyway...rg's, wryguy's, ally's,uim's,logi's, ghost's, metrocake's, and i'm sure i'm forgeting some other's i have read.

all of these posting's have been from the heart and profound in how we all deal with grief, tradgedy, helplessness, and fear.

i find myself fearing more what is to come next.

though i understand the need for what will ensue, i can't help but think of how it will personaly effect myself, my family, my friends.
my brother is about to turn 22. he is my only brother, and i am terrified that i may have to say goodbye to him. i look at his friends...boys i have seen grow up through the years and i feel a sadness for what is to come. i can understand more now, the feelings my mother had when she recounts the days when she had to say goodbye to her friends as they left for vietnam...many of which never returned.
i have a better understanding now of my father, who was drafted into that same war.

feeling as i do about my baby brother, i can't imagine what i would do if my own boys were older.
there is an anger inside, that my children will have to spend the majority of their childhood and adolesence with the world at war.

i should not have to reasure my children that they are safe.
their innocent belief that nothing evil could touch them has been ripped from their lives.
none of our children should ever have been subjected to this horror.
unless you have children, it is difficult to truly understand the helpless feeling that comes when your child looks into your eyes and whisper's "why mommy?".
or the more frequent hugs they want...their tiny arms holding on longer and just a bit tighter.
the dimmed light in their eyes when they leave you to go off to school or when they hug you as you leave them to go to work.

and the sadness in their hearts.

as parents, we try to protect our children from ever having to feel this.
along with the thousands of casualties already and the ones to come....
among them, is the casualty of innocence lost in our children.
that is the reason i believe in what is to ensue.

for our children's sake.
having been born into this country, they have a right to their innocence.
their legacy must be kept intact.

til later

2001-09-11T15:37:00.000-04:00

today.
tuesday, september 11th, 2001.
a day that will now be synonymous with terror.

the shock, disbelief, terror, anger, sorrow, desperation, horror, confusion, and wonder is touching us all.
my heart goes out to the thousands of loved ones left to morn today.
yet i am selfish.
i am not one of those people...and i am thanking god that i am not.
my children are safe with me.
my friends and family...are all accounted for.
and i thank whatever powerthat be for this.

we are not invincible.

2001-09-05T20:20:00.000-04:00

today walking down the street...or any place for that matter, a phenomena was accuring.
millions of adults were walking around with deliriously happy grins stretching ear to ear.
any of these adults...parents of school age mini people...
yes, today was the most reveled day in the calendar...
the first day of the new school year.

YIPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

ok...sorry, my emotions got the better of me for a moment.

ok...enough about the sarcastic mini people...i see them every day..sigh

so i haven't posted in...oh...a little bitty bit of time...this has been brought to my attention...
alot.
which kinda blows my thoughts that i had nothing interesting to say that people would want to read...

ok...shut up ghost.

problem is...now that a few weeks have passed...i don't quite know where to start.

so i'm going to be unoriginal, and go backwards...like the movie ghost and i watched fri night...memento.
no, i won't critique it...that is ghosts area...all i'll say..one of the better films that i've seen in a long time, confusing at first, sharp writing, terrific acting...well...really good acting, and shit...i'm critiquing..oh..go ask the one who finds fault with all movies.

so fri night was spent watching movies, hangin with arrogant company, watching arachnids spin and take down their environment, drinking coronas, and having an overall relaxing night...even if sleep escaped that night.
sat., brought trips to the library..10 books..half are mindless drivel....smut and lust ...fantasy, the others...jane austin's works, and a kafka.
i'm done with 3 so far...wait 4...finished one last night.

sunday brought the much anticapated social event of the summer...the gathering.
ghost hosts..ok, know what, go read logi..i can't get that damn tune out of my head about ghost being the host with the most...lol
anyway..i need to clarify something..i thank ghost for the very sweet(unusual) post thanking logi and i...well, it was all logi....the woman doesn't stop.

i on the other hand spent the first 4 hrs growing roots to the chair i was sitting in.
i was blocked in.
didn't want to disturb all the others around me.
had really interesting conversation all around me.

truth...it was my chair...i had it first..i wasn't letting anyone else get it...mine..mine..mine!!!!
that and i developed a raging headache that refused to go away, no matter how many coronas i gave it.
the nerve.
luckily mama ghost stocks tylenol in her wc and i was able to pop some drugs.
it was fun siting around and listening to the many conversations going round...from skye and angel to logi and ally, and every one in between.
the gathering had everything...good food, good drink, good music, good conversation...oh and then..there was trivial pursuit.

when it was down to about 7 of us..we had the brilliant idea to play the millinieum edition of trivial pursuit.

and we all found out just how little we all know...

we quickly switched to the tv edition...
where logi and i kicked ass...
until ghost swooped in and won...he got the easy question.

just to interupt here...i'm at this moment eating a bowl of edy's butter pecan icecream....i am in heaven.

so we ended up leaving in the wee hours of the night from the gathering.
cheers my friend...it was a success.

mon, and tues....the tornado of before school starts shopping...yuk.

and that brings us to today......where i found myself lunching with broadway and sipping mimosas with peanut this morning...

ok i only did one of these...the other...a figment of my over active, wondrous imagination.

so last mon. prof. kn and i took the mini people to the statue of liberty and i agreed to meet bundy for the first time.

til later-
bye

2001-08-23T22:04:00.000-04:00

well i'll be a monkey's aunt.

i still can't gather my thoughts into anything coherent to write.

maybe something will come to me tomorrow.

til later-
bye

2001-08-18T03:42:00.000-04:00

the more things change...
the more they change.

i had the opportunity to revisit with an old friend tonight.
broadway and i have known each other for over 20 yrs.
as all those songs say...we've been through the good times together..
and we've had our share of bad times.

throughout our school years we had a complicated, yet special friendship.
though we had severly different interests, broadway and i found something in each other to form a bond, which seems to have with stood the hands of time...ok, so i'm using really bad cliches...kill me.

the last time i saw broadway, was about two years ago, before that was many years too.
unfortunately, right before i got married, she and i had a catacosmic falling out with each other. then because life likes to interupt, our paths went down seperate roads.

over the years when we have caught up with each other, i have felt sad. in complete soul bareing honesty, i felt that the friendship we had so easily achieved at one time, was forever lost.
almost like falling out of love with your mate.
it was easier to just not put an effort into what was left of our realationship than to face the brutal fact that we had nothing in common anymore.

when i got a phone call on my b-day last week from broadway...shocked is a mild term to use for what i was feeling. though i would think of her over the last couple of years, i thought i would probably never see her again...(fat chance considering how the connections people have are truly astounding..think 6 degree's of seperation...)

i am pleased i was so very wrong.
for the first time in more years than i want to remember, the bond we once had, showed itself tonight.
we are still vastly dfferent, and actually need to get to know each other all over again...yet, when we talked and laughed...i could see us sitting in the cubbyhole of her parents houseboat whispering about the guys we had met on the beach that day...

i do think, that this time, we may actually get it right.

so here's to you broadway...welcome back.

til later-
bye

2001-08-15T02:20:00.000-04:00

fulfilling a childhood dream, that has long since been forgotten, can give such a feeling of glee.
(i can't believe i just used the word glee..golly, what's next?)
tonight...well i guess last night since it's 2:00 am on the 15th.
um...were was i ...oh yeah...i got to fulfill a childhood dream tonight.
in case any of you haven't quite figured it out yet...i adore cats.
i love the big cats...any of them... lions..tigers...panthers...cougars...
hey, i am a leo after all.
i always have wanted to own a lion.

no, i didn't get a lion...
but wouldn't that be, like the best in home defence?
think about it...two guys try to break into your home in the middle of the night...it's pitch black...all is quiet...they get the back door open and step inside...
swinging the flash light around they encounter...
two gold eyes watching their every move....
sabastian yawns...and adjusts his magnificent mane...maybe stretching his 450 lb body.
the 2 guys, who have now been relieved of all bodily fluids, escape faster than a the guy the morning after a drunken one night stand.
...thinking to themselves that just maybe...the house down the street with the pitbull might be a safer choice.

all right back to what actually happened...since i know that i can never own one of these majestic beings...i had hoped to always one day to at least touch one.
i did tonight...well not a lion, but a wild cat.
a lynx.
not only did i touch her...i held her.
octiva, is a siberian/northern (canadian) lynx. she is 1 yr and 2 mths old.
now, though she may not be as big as say...a tiger, she is still one of my wild cats...i don't care if her owner says she's domesticated.
i don't believe in domesticating wild animals...i believe it's cruel.
but tonight i was a hypocrite...even though i should have walked away from this man who claims octiva as his pet...my own selfish urge over powered the rightousness inside...
and boy am i glad it did.
octiva is beautiful...from the coal points at the tips of her ears, to the points on her tuffs...(cheeks) and tail.
overall...she's about 24 in in hight. the one thing that i noticed right off the bat, was her massive paws...they are not in perportion to the rest of her....i think she needs to grow into them.

what a way to end my first thirty years.

til later-
bye

2001-08-14T14:44:00.000-04:00

quick observation:
i just got back from getting guppie, peanuts daughter, her b-day gift for tomorrow.
yes we have the same b-day...we're kindred spirits...
anyway, one of the gifts i ended up buying her, was this doll, hopscotch heather.
this doll sings the hopscotch song(i didn't even know there was a song) and counts for you and basically does everything but jump the squares for you.
when i looked around...most of the toys were similar...they do everything..there is nothing left to the imagination anymore.
i found this sad.
part of the joy in being a child is make- believe.

because i had bribed the little people into behaving at the store, they were allowed to pick out candy.
they picked lollipops.
there is a button at the bottom that when pressed...
spins the pop around.

and people wonder why kids today don't want to do anything for themselves.

til later-
bye

2001-08-14T12:11:00.000-04:00

and the saga continues...
i didn't call aol yesterday.
figured i would give them an extra day to lengthen the rope and tighten the noose.

just have to love when people don't disappoint.

they screwed up again.

this time i spoke with ronda. she informed me that everything was fine with my account...
my request went through...as of yesterday.
cool was my thought, something right for a change.
not.
i was completly disconnected as of yesterday.
as apposed to only being partially disconnected for the last month and a half.
yeah yeah....i don't quite get that either.
so i ask...."ronda, what about my new order?"

um...houston, we have a problem.

yup...you guessed it...no order.
so...once again a new order has been placed.
sigh
i'm getting another month of fees waived...isn't that special...
ronda says they should have me up and running the first week of sept...

i'm figuring...2006.

well the countdown to the big 3-0 is almost over. tomorrow i become a "real" adult.
i'm spending it at chuck e. cheese.

some of my previous exitement over turning 30 has disapaited.
though i am still thrilled to get out of the 20's, it hit me recently that...well..it is just another day.
i actually felt the same when i turned 16.

cool...i'm recapturing the feelings i experienced at 16.

i'll let ya know if i do end up profoundly changed after tomorrow.

til later-
bye

2001-08-10T08:13:00.000-04:00

the stupidity of so-called trained professionals astounds me.
i do believe they are being trained... to be obtuse.
and frustrating.

or... they just have my name and number posted up on a wall so that they can fuck with me to break up the monotany of their day.

around the end of may, i had the brilliant idea to order aol plus....which is aol's dsl package. they offer this in conjunction with verizon.

so, i place the order, the equipment comes in the mail...after 3 days of fooling around with it, we finally figure out how to hook it up...i get an e-mail confirming activation...and yipee, 6/6 i have internet access through dsl.

and all was well with the world...til 6/28.

i couldn't sign on...tried unplugging everything...
tried to re-load the software...
eventually, i called the 1-800 number.

this is were my nightmare began.
first i get the standard recording directing me to press #1 if i am already an aol plus member...cool, i can do this...then i have to decide which area of expertise i would like....hmmm
maybe technical support would be the right answer....fool that i am.

a guy who calls himself eric comes on the line.
(if it were me...i wouldn't give out my real name...i'd hate to have complete strangers knowing how incompatent i am...only my closest friends are allowed that knowledge...ha! beat ya to it skye and ghost....sticken the tongue out...lalala)

annnnyway, i tell eric my sad story of not being able to sign on. after going through what i think was actual technical tests...in reality...he was busy eating a donut...he tells me that the problem is with verizon...apparently, they screwed up over that weekend and that they had half of florida disconnected...

i'm in new york...this helps me how?

but, being the trusting person i am...i go with this info.
eric says i should be fine in a few days...but he'll note the account and put a re-order in...just in case.

and i get an e-mail asking me to fill out a survey on my experience dealing with aol's tech support...
once again...fool that i am...i fill it out...nicely.

now, to make a short story long...within the next 2 weeks after this 1st phone call...i call 3 more times....each time telling my tale of woe...and there being no record on my account of re-orders....by this time there should be a total of 4 re-orders...

but they're not there.

so i leave it be until yesterday.
i deside to call one more time, directing myself to the billing dept...instead of tech. support.
this is were i met joe.
joe is a nice guy from the mid west. he enjoys horseback riding and long talks after roping a steer. his favorite foods are bbq ribs and....
oops sorry, wrong info.

ok...the first thing joe tells me....
there is no record of my previous calls and re-orders.
(i could have saved him the time on that one)
he then tells me...though he is embarrassed to say it...that they have absolutely no idea why this has all happened to me.
(hmmm...maybe cause god is bored and wants to laugh his ass off at me?)
he makes the decision to cancel my account...and just order it as if i never had it.
did i mention that i was charged the whole time i didn't have the service...silly me, how could i forget that..
(they are reinbursing me for those charges...)
so now, he tells me that they will be sending new equipment...i just have to send the old back to them...
in the original packaging.
um.....joe?
that was like over 2 months ago...i do believe...it's at the county dump now.
so he checks to see if i can send it in the packaging from the new equipment....
yes i can.
bit..yes there is always a but...i have to pay to have this junk shipped back.
they will reinburse me...i just have to enclose the reciept.
hmmm...joe?
won't the box be ready to go at the post office before i get the reciept?
yup...that's why i have to leave it open...and i'm suppose to keep a copy of the receipt.
yeah...ok
so, joe andi chatted a while longer while he made notes to my account....hehehe...
i did let him know that his notes...plus my order will disappear into the black hole of aol.
he doesn't believe me.
i'm calling again on mon...
there won't be any record on my account.

the best part of all of this....joe informed me that the biling and tech support depts....are NOT seperate.
they are one and the same.

so i'm not holding my breath waitin for aol and veizon to get there heads out of each others asses.

correction...i didn't say ghost was gross for feeding boris..i said the whole thing was gross....i said ghost was cruel to those poor unsuspecting innocent moths he was throwing to their deaths.

peanut andi have a date tonight....yeah...now that we live together...we see less of each other...
so we are going out...yeah baby!!!!

ok...i'm tired of typing.

til later-
bye

p.s....i know that this has not been edited...but skye is buggin the crap out of me to hury up..so i'll edit later..tooodles

2001-08-08T15:23:00.000-04:00

i'm bored.
the bowels of hell have infiltrated new york...heat wise.
i have a blah mood that has intercepted my normally bubbly disposition....
it showed up uninvited some time yesterday morning...
seeing as how it brought a set of matching luggage, i have the distinct feeling it's planning on staying awhile.

ok...though you don't know it...i just lost the whole second part of this post...
why...because my brain has decided to function at a lower frequency than normal.
that's ok though..it wasn't all that good of a post anyway.

i just was talking about how blahness showed up unexpected at my door and how rude of him it was.
a call letting me know he was going to pay a visit would have been appreciated.
i mean really...i would have straightened up the house, cleared my schedule...maybe even plan an outing or two.
might have even baked a cake...
but no...common courtesy doesn't exist in blahville.

see...told ya it wasn't very creative...pathetic really.

which also means....i have no opinions to give...i feel nothing.
well...i'm lying
i feel wet...
and sticky...
and worn out..

too bad they are all heat related sensations.

well..this is boring the hell out of me re-reading this...so i'm stopping.
yes..i hear the cheering..mixing with the sighs of relief...
if something remotely interesting desides to pop in...i'll come back.

til later-
bye

2001-08-06T02:55:00.000-04:00

open your mouth and put it out there...
i just had to go and talk about the age of the boys showing interest..
thanks to cousin b*tch and a mind erasure...
i am now in the possesion of a 22 yr. old boy's phone number.

at about 10 sat. night, cuz b*tch comes over and tells me to get ready...she's takin me out.
the little people were asleep and peanut was fading in and out of consciousness with increasing frequency...so i went out.

word of warning...sometimes they do name drinks with starteling accuracy.
a mind easure does just that...
for those who don't know what it is..(I didn't...i will now ask before hand what i'm putting down my throat)
it is a drink of 7 different alcohols layerd in a glass...you then have to drink it through a straw as quickly as possible.
it goes down way too easy.
so...cuz. b*tch is a bad influence.

anyway...since i'm still tired and want to go to bed...i'll make this short.
a very sweet young man gave me his phone number...
he knows i have a thing about his age.
i must say..this one came across as a bit more mature than others...
my little people didn't even scare him off...
which is impressive as they scare off "Y" alot older.

so now i have to decide whether to call this boy....
i figure, if i wait 'til i'm ready to date....
he'll be at least 30 then.

til later-
bye

2001-08-04T03:55:00.000-04:00

hmmm... what to write about...what to write about?
well...let me first start out with a mighty huge congratulations to nightskye for winning the karaoke contest tonight.
so...congratulations.
he was up against some stiff competion...including logi.
who was wonderful i might add.
i know that it was close...
psst...my sis, skills and her friend christosa were 2 of the judges...
i'm not supposed to tell...

any way..........in case you didn't figure it out...i was at karaoke tonight...and it was the big finals.
as i'm writing this, i must apologize for any inconsitencies...and for my spelling.
i had a few coronas...not enough to qualify me as drunk...but hey, enough to make me feel...um...
a bit happy.

so what should we talk about tonight...how about..men.
yes, you know them...the infamous "Y" chromosome.
i'm still not understanding them.
it's sad really, when you think about it.
i mean really, i'm on the brink of turning 30 and yet i still have no clue as to how to deal with them...or how to understand them.

ok, i lived with a "y" for 10 yrs...and that taught me more than i ever needed to know about the men i don't want in my life...yet, when i try to look around and figure out the other men out there...well this field research is not exactly what i expected..
see, i have figured out that men are very easy to attract...in the simplest terms...smile...and as skye once said...be nice to them.
i guess it helps some what if you happen to be remotely attractive.
though...it seems not to be a necessary requirement.

ok...so now...we have attracted them..the question is..what do we do with them next.
sure...we could just... well...have sex with them, but that in its self doesn't really work...
some where down the line a relationship has to form...
yes, i know...before you say it...i do understand that there can be sex with out the dreaded "r" word.
but i'm not really talking about the "one night stands"
one word for them...stupid.
stupid at my age.

part of my problem seems to be that for some crazy reason i have been attracting boys.
if they are 23 and under...i'm getting hit on.
while i'll be honest enough to admit that it is flattering, i have no idea what to do about this.
i personally don't think i'm ready to date right now anyway, but i might at some point.
when i finally am ready, i just can't picture myself dating someone 10 yrs younger than me.

i'm to tired to think about this now...maybe i'll continue later.

then again...maybe i'll be on a date.

til later-
bye

2001-07-31T23:01:00.000-04:00

this posting will be a little different from what i normally post.
to give a little back ground, i have two hobbies; loves.
writing and drawing.
i tend to approach them both the same way.
a picture forms in my mind...
and i never seem to know where it might take me.
now, even though i could write about the weekend...logi's party...karaoke fri...and the first visit my kids had with their dad in a month...
i'm not.
i've decided to post the beginning of...i'm not exactly sure...i don't quite know where it's going to go...
where it may eventually take me.
once again an image popped into my mind and this is where it has taken me so far.
please feel free to let me know what you think...(i know i'm asking for trouble with that request, but hey...live dangerously...)

Heart's Journey

Rain pelted her bedroom window. Wind whipped through the trees, their limbs arching in all directions. Leaves and debris swirled through out. A streak of lightning lit the room as if someone had flicked the switch. She pulled her forehead from the cool pane of glass. The repetition of the storm settled in. Her day should be over. The children were all tucked in and sound asleep. They had been for hours now.

As she turned towards the empty king bed, centered in her room, the lonliness threatened to engulf her once more. Wrapping her bathrobe tighter, she shuffled across the floor, shifting sweaters, jeans, socks, and panties out of her way.

"Why does the few feet it takes to get to my bed, always seem like miles?" she said to herself. "I can't continue this way."

Pulling back the blanket, she sat down upon the edge of her bed. She leaned over and gently stroked the pillows. So cold now. No indent of head, just an empty spot no longer filled. Her eyes welled with unshed tears. A torent of thoughts raced through her mind, each vying for attention. Just like children.

Tomorrow would come too fast. Another day to get through. Cally would need help finding her missing sneaker, while Joel would need quizzing on his vocabulary. The mornings always kept the same routine. Different crisis to overcome with Mom always expected to know the right solutions. There was a comfort in that. At least she could fix the problems in her children's world. To a seven and ten year old, Mom was omnipotent. A small smile eased onto her face. Thoughts of her children often caused that reflex.

A ragged sigh echoed through her room. "Jake, they're growing so fast. I don't know if I can keep up with them." she whispered to the darkness. "We were supposed to do this together. I miss you so much." her voice caught as a tear journeyed down.

A clap of thunder vibrated the house. She looked towards her door and silently counted down from five. Hushed whispers and little bare feet hurrying down the hall broke the silence of the night. Her door opened slightly as two sleepy children stood waiting expectantly.

She gazed at their disheveled heads and smiled. "You guys want to keep me company tonight?"

Joel put his arm around his sister. "Cally's afraid. We thought you might be too." he told his mother.

"Joel's 'fraid too," Cally interjected. "He was outside my room first." She pulled her small frame out from under Joel's arm.

"Was not." he cried, pushing Cally closer to the bed. "I just knew you'd be scared and didn't want you makin' alot of noise."

"O 'kay guys," she said quickly as Cally turned to push her brother. "To tell the truth, I'm a bit frightened and need you guys to protect me." She pulled her covers back further. "Come on. Jump in."

Two young bodies rushed up onto her bed. A tangle of arms and legs wrestled, trying to find the most comfortable spot.

Leaning over to tuck the blankets up under her children's chins, she asked, "All set now?" With a smile she kissed their sandy heads.

As she turned to snuggle into the covers, she heard her son's whipered voice.

"I miss Dad."

"Me too." his sister responded, taking his hand in hers.

She shut her eyes, searching her heart for the strength to help her children. To be able to give them the reasurance she couldn't give herself. Reaching out her arms she gathered them close to her.

"I miss Daddy too." she told them. "But you guys know that he's always with us. We carry him in our hearts." she hugged them tight. "Always in our hearts." She laid her head upon Joel's, wishing with her every being to some how get through.

The rain slacked off as dawn broke. Three sleeping souls, each needing to find the way on their heart's journey.
******************************************************************
"Now you see why I need your help?" Jake said to Gabriel. "My family is lost. I can't move on till they're settled." Raising his arm in exasperation, he turned to the angel ready to plead.

Gabriel smiled, reasuring Jake with a nod. "I can understand your need to help them through your death and their loss, but do you think you're ready to handle this assignment?" He glanced through some clouds overhead. "We don't usually like to have trainees deal with the familiar." Gabriel turned to Jake once more, "Your emotional involvement could be a deturant."

Jake looked again through the mist, watching his family huddled together. Tara's golden hair blending with the sandy strands of his children's. He knew beneath the closed lids of their eyes, pools of blue lay ready to absorb life.

Snuggled next to their mother, protcted and warm. He knew Tara would do everything she could to help Joel and Cally, but who was going to help her.

His heart ached listening to her remind him that their children were growing fast, how they were supposed to raise them together.

"Whatever needs to be done, I'll do." Jake stated. He glanced at the arc angel.

Gabriel looked down though the mist and back to Jake. At the stubborn set of jake's face, Gabriel sighed.

"Tara is going to need to find a way to open her heart again." he stated knowing that this was not what Jake wanted to hear.

"She was destined to love with all her heart." Raising a hand to wave away Jakes protest, Gabriel gently told him, "This is not to say that what you and she shared was not that love," he rested his hand on Jake's shoulder. "Only that there is more out there for her."

Jake swallowed as he realized what Gabriel was trying to tell him. His wife and mother of his children was destined to find love after him.

well thats what i've gotten so far.
if you've read this far...then i guess it's not all that boring...:)

as i said in the beginning....i still have no idea where this is going to wind up.

let me know what you think...

just don't be too harsh...

:)
til later-
bye

2001-07-27T06:42:00.000-04:00

it is astounding that there are people out there that believe their own hype.
that some people think they are superior just because they can spell a damn word.
apparently the majority of our blogs don't meet with the high expectations someone has put upon that proverbial pedestal.

so, i'm going to rectify this.

psst..go read ghost's posting today....

ok, so ghost is bored.
our blogs are just not doing it for him.
he wants opinion.
he wants feelings.
maybe a rant?
well dear ghost...you asked for it.

ghost seems to have a problem with the theory of family making you complete.
this stemming from watching the mediocre film, family man.
in this movie, nicholas cage plays a shell of a man.
he is wealthy, drives a hot car and has a revolving door to his bedroom.
but he has no substance.
why, because he lacks a connection.
after getting a glimpse of what his life would be like if he had chosen to stay and marry the love of his life, he decides to make it right, once he is back to his "real" life.
he finds the woman he let go all those years before and chooses the connection.

ghost doesn't seem to comprehend why.
the answer oh simple minded professor of capacious nomenclatures is that family is the essence of life.
whether it be a family of blood or friends...it does not matter.
without the connection that comes with belonging to a family, there is emptiness.
with this connection, we live...with out it, we just exist.

ghost also claims that his family man type compadres would rather be golfing with him.
i don't doubt this.
being the mother of three little people, i myself have fantasized about being single again with no responsibilities.
it's only human.
but i wouldn't give up my family for anything.
they are my life.
the sad thing is ghost doesn't seem grasp the reason why, and presumably never will.
only when you are here do you access the secret.
the connection completes the circle.

another subject that stemmed out from all this talk of being a family man was divorce.
why would we even bother when 50% of marriages end in divorce.
i am going through a divorce.
ghost has been divorced for 10 years.
i was married 9 and 1/2.
ghost wonders why with statistics being what they are and the odds being staked so high against...why would he try it again.
good question.
maybe because we need to keep believing in the fantasy of true everlasting love.
in the search for that connection.
i am thanking god that i seem to be having an amicable divorce instead of a bitter armageddon.
yet right now my illusions of true happiness that supposedly exist in everlasting love are almost non-existent.
almost...
there is a need to believe that the other 50% of marriages that do make it are real.
granted, my odds slip further down due to having not one...not two...but three little people.
but when the odds are that tremendous, the payout if you hit, is a windfall.
you just have to be willing to take the risk.
and isn't life one magnificent risk.
so though i myself have the doubts that this myth of true everlasting love exists, i refuse to let my apprehension keep me from beating the odds and winning the jackpot.

so all of you out there who understand this concept, unite as one and raise your voices.
maybe then poor ghost will finally grow aware and not let his foreboding cause him to perchance miss out on the most fulfilling completion of his life.
a family.

so ghost, was that infused with adequate feeling and opinion?

and in my own personal feeling...
shaving when bored...is interesting...

depending on the area.

til later-
bye

2001-07-26T23:52:00.000-04:00

the next time any of you get bored, take my advice and DON"T let curiosity rule your actions....
it could lead to an incredible itching sensation...
and provide hours of fodder for your friends to laugh over.

ok...now that my pubic service announcement has been given...
i'll update my week so far....

well i went to court today.
my soon to be ex and i will probably go down in the ginness book of world records for having the most amicable and quickest divorce in history....
in one day we were able to hammer out all the details and agree to all concessions regarding the divorce...
including all issues with the little people.

it is amazing how well you can get along with a person when you don't have to live with them.

i feel like a major weight has finally been lifted.
peace and tranquility have replaced the tension and stress.
it's going to take awhile to get used to these new sensations...i almost didn't recongnize them.

tomorrow i get to drop the little people off with cousin b*tch.
over 48 hrs. of freedom.....

i want to make the most of every second...

so, i'm going to work for logi.

hmmm, need to slip something in there to make it a little tiny bit more worth while...
i just have to make sure i stay away from razors.

i really do need to find a productive hobby...

...or maybe learn a new skill.

i'll have to think on this...maybe some of my wonderful dedicated friends will have some ideas to help me with this new quest....
i'm always open to suggestions.

bring 'em on....

til later-
bye

2001-07-24T13:19:00.000-04:00

question...on the brink of turning thirty, when do you stop feeling like the 16 year old who has to answer to her mother about where she was and what was she doing?
do we ever become adults, on an equal footing with our parents?
or are we forever answering to them?

or....am i just an idiot for still having the little girl syndrome with my mother?

for some reason i just can't escape feeling the need to justify my actions to my mother.
it's a reflex reaction.

"junglecat, don't you think you should get some sleep, maybe not stay out so late, eat something, wear a jacket, and take your vitamins?"

"yes mom."

maybe when i'm 60 i'll be able to shake of the little girl syndrome....
then again...maybe not.

til later-
bye

2001-07-22T11:12:00.000-04:00

i highly recommend everyone opening their minds and experiencing a different culture other than their own.
i did this yesterday..
i had a blast.

ok, this is what happened...
my sis, skills, invited the little people and myself to her friend, christosa, son's first b-day party....
hmm..did ya get all that?
though christosa is italian, the party was more spanish...food and music...
anyway...this was where my eduacation started.

actually, i don't think education really is the correct word...i mean, it's not like i was given lessons...well yet...
but you need to understand...i'm this redheaded irish girl..who listens to country music for christs sake..big difference.

one thing there, that i got to do....which i have't had the oppurtunity to do in about 5 years, was...play volleyball. god i love to play...though i think i need to work on my serve...picture a line drive in baseball....when you have the players from the opposing team dodging out of the way and hitting the ground for cover...well, you just might be serving a little too hard...
just a little.

i have to admit that i enjoy spanish food..the smell and the spicy flavor...tingles the taste buds while triggering the mouth to water. very enjoyable.
anything that makes me tingle....well it works for me....

i did recieve lessons last night...johnny b. GOOD taught me how to dance the meringue.
now, anyone who knows me..knows, i LOVE to dance...
johnny b. is now my idol. the boy can move...
and, he says i have rythm...
he even said he'd go to a spanish dance club with me.....
(don't worry johnny b., i know you were being nice..i won't make ya go...:)...yet...)

so all in all, i had a fabulous fun time...the people at the party were friendly and openly warm...though i don't believe this has to do with culture...that is just personality.
but there was a qualitiy that swept through the party: an infusion of celebration which made me want to ride the crest of jubilation.

and i got to break open the pinata...with a baseball bat...
i am the happy camper.
i can't wait for the next party.
i'll have to practice my latin dancing though....
and my serve....sigh.

a great big CONGRATULATIONS goes out to logi....
she won the karaoke contest fri. night and is now in the finals aug.3rd.
unfortunately...she won on a night nightskye, ghost and i were not there....
sorry logi.
hmmm....could there be a coincidence...

this is going to be difficult at the finals though....both logi and nightskye are in them...so who do we cheer for?
i'm hoping for a tie....

for a final thought...bet you never thought this post would end...hell...if ya knew how long it has taken me to write it....you'd be asking...why bother?
logi sent me this personality analysis based on my name...it's eerie....
here are a few lines from it...

"Although you would like to do many things, procrastination undermines your accomplishment and success in life. You do not like to create issues and will do anything to avoid a conflict. Making decisions is difficult for you without the support and approval of others....Although you desire the friendship and association of others, you find it difficult to express your thoughts through the spoken word, and others find you hard to get to know. It is much more natural for you to express your deeper thoughts in writing..."

see, it all is my mothers fault.

til later-
bye

2001-07-21T08:11:00.000-04:00

a guy walks into a bar one night. after spending all his money, he says to the bartender "i'll bet you 10 bucks that i can bite my right eye."
the bartender thinks on this and says "sure, you're on"
well the guy takes out his right eye and bites it.
the bartender shakes his head and hands him 10 bucks.
a little while later after spending the money the guy says to the bartender "i'll bet you 20 bucks i can bite my left eye"
well the bartender thinks on this. he has watched the guy mingling around the bar,so he knows he has at least one good eye, so he says "you're on"
the guy proceeds to take out his teeth and bite his left eye.
the bartender shakes his head and hands the guy 20 bucks.
a little while later after spending the money the guy says to the bartender "i'll bet you 50 bucks that i can pee in a shot glass at the other end of the bar."
the bartender looks at the guy and then looks at the other end of the bar....ten feet away. he thinks to himself that there is no way for the guy to win this bet, so he says "you're on"
the guy then climbs up on top of the bar, aims at the shot glass at the other end of the bar and....pees all over the bar.
the bartender smiling starts to wipe up the pee.
the guy hands the bartender his 50 bucks laughing.
the bartender puzzled by the laughter asks "you just lost 50 bucks, why are you laughing?"
the guy turns and says "well, see that group of people over a that table....i just bet them 150 bucks that i could pee on your bar and that you'd clean it up with a smile."

just thought i'd share that little joke with you....it always makes me laugh..go figure.
ok, now i am ready to write....
well not really, but i figure if i talk about nothing for a while....
something might actually pop up.

this is going to be an interesting week..well, not to other people, but for me.
peanut will be dog sitting this week, so she won't be here, and i'm all by my lonesome...
with the little people.
besides this, i'm going to be working in a different store on tues. and i have to go to court on thurs.
the court thing has got me a bit nervous.
it will be the first time i'm seeing the soon to be ex since 6/30.
psst....i think it's more fear than nervousness...but don't tell anyone...
oh well...i guess i'll just deal...that seems to be what i do lately.
just go with the flow...if there are things i want or don't like....i have been just dealing with them and going on....hmmm...maybe i should just stop the merry-go-round and get off...the ride that is.

since i just reread the above, and have decided that i am being too....hmmm...the right word i'm looking for escapses me....where's professor ghost when you need him...um...lets just say...i want be more...happy.

so lets finish off my week...on fri, the little people will be going over to cousin b*tch to stay the weekend...i get to pick them up on sun.

i love you cousin b*tch!

there is an actually reason for them going there....
i'm not just getting rid of them...sigh
i'm helping logi wit a party she's doing in the hamptons on sat.
set-up is fri..and no logi...

i reallllly don't think i can handle karaoke fri night and get up by 6:30 to work all day...

unless you don't mind me dropping hot food in the laps of unsuspecting guests...

so...this will be my week...
not too exciting, but then again...exciting can be over rated...
but there are opportunities for it to be interesting.
i'll let you know if anything happens...

unless anything turns into something really good...

O:-)

til later-
bye

2001-07-20T21:35:00.000-04:00

look around...what do you see
i've got a brand new look...
hmmm...i've got links....
i've got a counter, though we won't look at it......
i've got new font's....
what happened?

logi happened.

isn't she great.

she did it all.
i, on the other hand, am a complete moron...and couldn't figure out what the hell i was doing.
logi to the rescue...i send out a huge, arms wide open, thanks to her.
tank u logi.

ok, it's friday and....i'm not going out tonight.
yes, that means no karaoke.
i'm doing pretty ok so far...i've got the breathing under control and my sponsors are on call...
so hopefully i should make it through the night.
unfortunately for logi though, is the fact that besides myself not being there, nightskye and ghost won't be there either.

ghost is being heroic again.
this time he is crewing another aides ride.
right about now...he should be dislocating a shoulder.
who knows...maybe this time next year, he will have us all crewing for him...it's actually someting to look forward to. we really should all be doing more.

logi and i were just discussing today how surprisingly enough, we actually miss ghost.
he kind of grows on you when you're not looking...
like a fungi.
logi may stop in later tonight....i told her i'd have the candles ready...
we're going to hold a vigil for his safe return.

well, i do have more to say, but logi keeps im'ing me and interrupting my thoughts.
so i'll post again later.

if she'll let me....sigh

til later-
bye

2001-07-16T11:48:00.000-04:00

i have triumphed where no other has had the moxie to even venture....
i have broadened my friends horizons.
life as they comprehend it will never be the same.
they will view the world through different eyes...well it will still be their eyes, but a different perspective...ok?

ghost and logi watched one of the all time quintessential cheesy films ever.
courtesy of me.
what movie you ask...the pirate movie.

for those who haven't yet experienced the joy and laughter of this finely developed, well formulated film...it's a campy spoof on the musical, pirates of penzanze, made in 1982, staring kristy mcnicol, christopher atkins, and ted hamilton.

i just know ghost is still going around humming the catchy tunes in his head..even two days later.
he has probably already hit the net, trying to score a copy of the movie to add to his personal library.
and logi...well lets just say...she is probably right this minute searching for the sound track, trying to figure out how to be able to do "keep pumpin'..keep blowin' " (one of my personal favorite tunes) at karaoke.

now, i just need to land a copy of....girl's just want to have fun....
and that will round off their enlightenment splendidly.

fri night was....interesting.
there was karaoke this week...thank the good lord.
i'd have to say, watching nightskye perform i want your sex...again...
well...it brought tears to my eyes.
and i had NOTHING to do with the choosing this time.
i owe my thanks to...karaoke roulette.
i do believe though, that the colossal surprise of the evening was ghosts performance of...

barry manillow's, copacabanna.

minus the shirt sleeves.

who would have ever believed that the boy had it in him...
we have determined that from now on...ghost can't select his own songs...

and copacabanna must be added to his repertoire...

we're searching for the sleeves now...

as for the rest of the evening...lets just say...
i'm pleading the fifth and a thank you goes out to my caring, over protective amigos.
very subtle logi, i am extremely grateful you didn't go any further in getting your point across...
sticking your tongue down my throat...well, i think that would have been over kill... :)

there really isn't much more that i have to write about now.
well there is, but i'm either tied by morals and ethics..or just don't want to bore you...

take your pick.
til later-
bye

2001-07-13T08:36:00.000-04:00

i am not superstitious...today is friday the 13th...
this is my lucky day.

now all i have to do is practice self prophecy.

once again, i have a few things bumbling around the vast ...oh yuk a spider just popped into my line of site...hold on while i get my six year old....

ok..while my heart rate slows down to a normal rate....i have a severe case of arachniphobia.
simply stating that i hate spiders...is an understatement...i deplore them.
i didn't always...
and i actually can tolerate daddy long legs...for some reason they don't bother me.
it's all the other ones...and there are like thousands of types....i'm getting the heebie jeebies right now thinking of them.

i can actually pin point when i developed the irrational fear of them...as a child i opened a spider egg up...ok...i know that's sick and disgusting, but i was curious and i was like...7.
well...that taught me to not be so curious...there were thousands of tiny crawling spiders in my room. everywhere i looked they were there..couldn't get rid of them. it still amazes me that so many came out of that little egg....i think they were procreating as it opened...sort of like...just add air and waa laa...they multiply.

anyway, after that...it was all down hill...
the fear got really bad at one point..
i've been known to pull my car over to the side of the road...because of those nasty multi legged demons.
i also woke the husband up at 2 in the morning one time because i was reading in bed and happened to look up at the ceiling....guess who decided to drop by for a little visit...
i couldn't just ignore him...i mean what if he decided to crawl into some open crevice while i was sleeping....
i ended up staying up that night...cause somebody wouldn't get rid of the uninvited mutant.
there was also the time i striped right in my living room because a creepy crawly arachnid was spotted and felt making his way up my arm.
didn't even stop to think...just started doing the freaky dance.
couldn't get those clothes off fast enough.
the kids thought this was the most hilarious thing mommy had ever done.

they did request an encore.

i have also been known to jump across a room in a single bound due to these disgusting evil creatures.
really, i have, in a single bound..it's been witnessed...i was told that the height i reached was remarkable.

when 2 of my children started to react in a screeching yell to these little beings, i realized i need to find a way to get a grip on my emotional tie with the eight legged wonders.
so, i forced my self to face my fear.
and i did succeed...to a point.
i'll never be able to bring myself to actually invite one to stay for a visit....but i don't run screaming for my life to be spared when one does drop by unannounced.
this turns out to be a good thing..

god decided to use me as a toy....again...
his warped sense of humor was at work...

my six year old is obsessed with arachnids.

he wants a pet tarantula.

hmmm...well, i guess that life lesson is being learned...we don't always get what we want.

til later-
bye

2001-07-12T05:50:00.000-04:00

i have but one regret...
that i was not born gay.

maybe peanut will consent to a sex change.

i said to her this morning...at 5:00am, after she woke me up...again.
third time this week...we really need to rethink the waking up bit.
anyway...i said to her that it really is a shame she wasn't a man. she could be my soulmate.
unfortunately for me...and definitely for her...we are just too straight for our own good.
sorry lb, i know your disappointed.

sigh

the transition of peanut moving in has actually gone very smooth, though i do know she is lamenting on can we really make this work. i am the eternal optimist. i really am...sometimes i may not say things that are optimistic, but deep down...well i know things will always work out...and they usually do...go figure. this is a good philosophy to have...especially when you are essentially starting your life completely over...with a child...or three and are basically flying by the seat of someone else's pants.

she is worried about finances...me, well, i know we will make the rent and put food on the table...so, i'm happy.
she is worried that something will happen to our friendship...me, i feel that after 18 yrs...if nothing has ended it...nothing much will. though we did discuss what would happen if either of us had any sexual encounter with a male the other was involved with...things could get a little touchy then...no, they would get down right bloody.
but, since our tastes in the male species run on the opposite sides of the spectrum..i'd say we're pretty safe in that area.

she really has been neurotic...cleaning and organizing...at like 3 in the morning. she's working off nervous energy..i think she just needs to have some really hot, animal sex. what better way to work off that excess energy..i'd like to have excess energy...but being woke up at 5 in the morning..doesn't help in that area....i think she's doing it on purpose...she's keeping me safe..hehehe

everything will find its way to were its supposed to be. she'll figure it out eventually. til then i will continue to fill my purpose in her life...to make her laugh and smile, to let her rant, to let her be the ultimate bitch..crap, she's starting to pms..you know, we really should think about one of us moving out each month...when our cycles coincide...good lord...i don't want to think about it..

lets see..i watched family man yesterday. the movie with nicholas cage. the movie itself was...ok. not much about it that was extraordinary. but i did find the whole premise to the story interesting. that there is one moment...one choice we make in life that can take us on a totally different road then what the other option would have.

i thought about that, where might my fork in the road have been...what would have happened if i had chose a different option...
not that it really matters..as you saw in the movie...you can't go back and change it.
but, you can try and make it right now.

i'm glad i have made all the right decisions in my life.

there really is only one moment that i wonder what the outcome would have been and were it might have taken me if i had handled it differently. and no...its not when i said i do.
but, unlike the movies...our lives aren't all wrapped up nice and tidy in 2 hours...and sometimes what we think or feel is right...well it is just impossible to make right.

ok.. i just reread what i wrote..i'm leaving it in so that you can experience the way my mind works...'cause boy - i just confused myself...if you can read this..and follow it..and understand what i'm trying to say...well then..your good.

i'm done for now.
til later-
bye

2001-07-09T08:07:00.000-04:00

to blog...or not to blog...

i started off with this whole new experience of writing my thoughts online with a bang.
and then...
life interrupted.

so i didn't post everyday or even every other day.

it's not that i have nought to write about. it is essentially the multitude of alternatives as well as the plethora of scenarios swimming ambiguously around the prodigious quadrants of my mind, that have me hesitating to select just one to write about.

ooh, big words...did i spell them right....hell, did i even use them correctly?

now that i got that out of the way and professor ghost is double checking to see if i spelt them correctly...and if i used them in the right context, i'm off to take my kids to swimming lessons...i'll finish when i get back.
*****************************************************
now that i have returned, i will explain my previous thoughts in simple terms....
i have too many things to write about.
i also have a slight difficulty making a decision.
i over analyze and second guess myself.

see, i could just start out and write about my kids....but it has been expressed to me, in a very subtle and tactful way...cough, that talking about my children is boring for the people whose children they are not.
to be honest, it's actually true...at 8 and 6 they have grown out of the cute antidote stage.
now, they are just sarcastic mini people who live to think up new and exciting ways to torture the woman responsible for bringing them into this cold, frightening world.

in case you missed the reference...that's me.

i could possibly discuss the ending of my marriage, but unfortunately to do that, i would wind up sounding either like a bitter shrew, or a weak, spineless victim, who can't think for herself. neither of these options endear themselves to me. plus, i don't want to come across as truly hating men...and that would also probably come through.

so the next thing in the deep boroughs of my mind...
i could write about my in depth, insightful discussion with peanut. how this morning, before she left for work we sat, had a cup of coffee, a cigarette, and discussed why some women swallow...and some don't.
is there really a psychological reason for this?
do some women feel the need to hold back a part of themselves, maybe trying to hold onto some control, until they are truly comfortable...

or do they just not like the taste?

and, do "y"s really feel it is an extension of themselves?
things that make you go...hmmmm?

of course i could write about my Friday night excursion with logi...
i actually did make it down to karaoke...
unfortunately for me though...they didn't have it.
but logi and i persevered...we sucked it up...(and that actually could be taken quite literally...ever done a Blow Job....as in shot?)
and we had a blast.
my self confidence has been restored...thanks to a few "y" at the joint. i thank them.
and ghost did finally manage to grace us with his presence while we were there... he was our honorary testosterone member for the night....hehehe
logi and i have found that we have more and more in common...so a tank u goes to skye for having he brilliant insight to become friends with each of us.

logi...when is that slumber party...and get 2 strippers.:)

i could write about my job....
well, no...even i don't want to think about that.

i could discuss more on my thoughts about the y" and double"x"s, but i think i'm up to relationships now...and well, quite frankly..i suck at them so i need to observe a bit more of them.
i think i should go out in the field for that research...
for purely education reasons mind you.
but i do think hands on experience would be greatly beneficial for this research.

well as you can read, i just can't seem to make up my mind on which subject to actually write about...and i haven't even touched on the others circling in the waters either...like my goal to become a photographer, the rekindling of old friendships, the fact that sometimes, family truly is all you can count on, and why the hell my soaps are just not holding my attention lately.

oh well...i'm going to go have lunch....

hmmm....should i have pizza, or soup?

til later-
bye

2001-07-06T11:32:00.000-04:00

the knot is starting to form.
i know the shakes will come, along with the cold sweats...
agitation will set in.
then, the shortness of breath.
might even be willing to sell a body part or child to get me a fix.
i'm going to go through withdrawal tonight..

i'm not going to karaoke tonight.

first week i'll be missing in like..six weeks....

about midnight tonight..i'll be hurting.

sigh

it'll be rough waters for a while ...may have to call a sponsor...don't know if i'll make it through...i'll need to establish some sort of contact..
hopefully nightskye, ghost, or logi will have their cells on...

oh well...i'll just have to deal by watching..."duets".

poor imitation of skye, ghost and logi,
the noise, the lack of light and fresh air...
but....sigh....it'll have to do.

keep me in your prayers.

so peanut and i had our first big fight yesterday...in like 18 yrs.
i'm now rethinking whether we really can cohabitate together.
she is just soo unbending..never knew this....
we went and opened a joint account yesterday for our household expenses.
everything was going great.
and then...

"what color checks would you like...they come in blue, green, and yellow."

"blue" peanut replied, at the exact same time i stated..."green".

the bank manger turned a little flustered at this point. i really can't blame him. what must he have been thinking to begin with...2 incredibly gorgeous...cough...:)...women come in to set up house.
hmm....what's the first thing going through his "y" mind...
and now a cat fight is about to ensue over.....what color we will be using for checks.

get the mud ready...

well lets just say....i'm not a Leo for nothing.

peanut didn't know what hit her....

so now....

we have blue checks for our joint account...and i have green ones for my personal one.
god...i'm so easyGOING.
so reasonable and mature....

skye...stop laughing....

anyway, i'm more confident than ever that peanut and i will have a long and prosperous partnership.

i'll just give her what she wants.

til later-
bye

2001-07-05T09:59:00.000-04:00

well, as i'm trying to get this life i have been dealt with, in some semblance of order, the earth is still turning a degree every 15min...or something like that. hmmm...kinda makes me think how insignificant my problems really are.

so to update..
i have actually been relatively successful in curbing my argumentativeness. (i'm not quite sure that's even a word)
though i did have to be reminded a little on Fri night.
but i haven't really been argumentative...in fact i actually think some people are missing it..hehehe

ok, well i have started the process of having one less "y" chromosome in my life.
i am now moving peanut and her daughter, guppie in with me.
we shall wait and see if 18 yrs of friendship can withstand living together, 4 children, 2 ex- hubbies, and my personality...

yup..it can.

i'm easyGOING.

we actually are going about this in a mature adult way...gasp...
surprising but true.
we each have our strong suits...and our weak ones.
luckily for us, they compliment each other.
peanut will clean...i will cook.
hell, if peanut had a "y" chromosome...
i'd be set.

sigh

it's a sad state of affairs when you can say that your most successful and healthy relationship is the one with your best friend.

too bad we aren't gay.

since i have gotten an average of 2 hours of sleep a day for the past week, i'm exhausted.
i just lied...i did actually get 5 hours sleep last night.
though i still feel like it was only 2.
anyway, since i'm a walking corpse, and the only other things going on in my mind are how to get my needs sated, i'm going to go now.

i need to find an uncomplicated "y".
or maybe just become partial to the double "x"s

damn...2 goals that will never be recognized.

or...i could just go make some coffee and have a cigarette.

#3 wins.

til later-
bye

2001-06-27T21:19:00.000-04:00

reflections in a mirror tend to be simple.
even if we don't necessarily like what we see.
now, the reflections of our soul...
self anaylizing...
if we are completely truthful with our selves on what we learn and see in our inner self...
well, that could possibly be one of the most difficult and rewarding journeys of our lives.

i hope i can accomplish this.

it has been suggested to me recently that i may be a "tad" arguementitive.
that i don't let up...hmmm, maybe tenatious?

my first reponse to this theory of my personality...

no i'm not.

so, now i'm rethinking this.

i have to admit, that i do tend to argue. i enjoy it. i'm not talking about fighting...just differing opinions.
now it was stated that i may try to keep an arguement or discusion going, to try and convince the other of my opinion.

i don't agree with this.
i am not really tring to convince anyone of my opinion...just want them to agree that there may be another way at looking at something. I also tend to remember most everything someone says to me...well...if i find them remotely interesting.
anyway this is were i'll get into trouble. if something strikes me as a bit humorous, i do tend to have a warped sense of humor, i may continue with it...and i do realize that this may get old.
so i am now aware.

i will conceed to being arguementive. not really with major issues though. usually things that have no real meaning in my life or are just too abstract to be taken seriousely.
i like to debate...well my version of debating...not the cut throat competion debating.
i will actually at times take the opposing opinion, even if i whole heartedly agree with what the other feels.
i just like hearing what other people have to say, and how they express themselves.
i also will conceed if another person has a resonable point that differs from mine.
to me, its a way of learning.

yet, when i'm completely honest with myself, there are times when i'll be arguementitive just because i know it'll push the other person's buttons.
this is a behavior i have decided to try and stop.

but man...it'll be hard...some people are just so easy to do this to...it becomes habit.

sigh

but since i am in the process of making life altering decisions and changes...well i guess i should do the same internally as externally.

ok enough self analyzing crap.

i am me.

but i do have a question that has been boggling my mind...not a difficult thing to do at times...

ok....here it is...what is with the usage of crass terminology by the "Y".

say like...cock.

LB, an interesting "y", whom i keep rethinking my opinion of, loves this word.
and he's not the only one.

can't they just refer to their damm penis' as...
i don't know...
their pulsating poles of glory and salvation?

til later-
bye

2001-06-25T00:03:00.000-04:00

well, i said i would try to find something more upbeat to write about.

how about the exhilarating feeling that comes from being "evil"?

it's true, there is a freedom in acting "evil".
now, i'm not talking about evil in the sense of satin and the occult. not even close.
i'm talking about other people's perceptions of what you do or say.
like when you shock someone, or say, leave them flustered... or speechless even.
i highly recommend trying it sometime.

friday night's outing turned out to be great fun.
see, about 4 weeks ago, i went to this small little dive that nightskye and ghost frequent for karaoke.
there, i met my new "bestest" friend, logi.
boy can this woman sing.
i can't.
but i have fallen head over heels, hopelessly in love...
with karaoke.
did i mention i don't sing?
i just get a thrill watching everyone else get up and do their songs.
of course, if the song has a beat..i dance.

this week ghost wasn't along for the ride..he was busy doing another ride..an aides ride. from Raleigh to D.C.
on a bicycle.
i'm tired thinking of it.
but, he's doing something terrific for a worth while cause.
we all should.

anyway, as i was saying he wasn't there, so it was just skye, logi, and myself....and everyone else in the bar.
i got to choose a couple of songs for skye to do.

he should have known not to let this happen.
after all, he has known me for 13 years.
but, it's that "Y" chromosome thing again.

let me just explain here, that nightskye is a cheesy 80's big hair band, "y".
which, i happen to enjoy also, but not what i had him sing.
the first song...
kenny loggins footloose.
skye did a pretty good job with it.
so, i of course, had to be evil with the next song...
which, he didn't know what it would be, til he stepped up to the microphone.

ok, since you can't see me right now, i'll tell ya...i'm still smiling...

skye sang...

i want your sex, by george michael.

hehehe

i must say, he is a really good sport. he staid up there and did the whole song, interjecting with little comments about hating his friends and that i'm a bitch.
yes i am.
and as i said...he's a good sport.
he ended up also doing an eerie rendition of i'm a sweet transvestite from the rocky horror picture show.
he did it a little too well...scary.

i wonder if he'll let me choose a song this week?
i'm hoping ghost will be adventurous...i've already got a few songs in mind for him.
hehehe

so, i got an early b-day gift today...
a digital camcorder/camera.
this baby does everything.
and she's mine.
it is my secret desire to one day be able to claim that i am a professional photographer...
she's gonna be right there with me.

now all i need is...

some one to pay me.

til later-
bye

2001-06-22T11:28:00.000-04:00

i don't normally watch the news.
i don't normally read the newspaper.
they are too depressing.
if i wanted to slit my wrists...i'd just watch leaving las vegas.

i should have remembered this last night.

i watched the news, and the first story was about actor carroll o'conner having just died last night.
archie bunker was, and will remain, one of the small screens greatest icons. starting in 1971, he made us laugh, he made us cringe and he made us gasp, but above all, he made us think. he will be missed and remembered by all.

the next story after this...
andrea yates.
in case you have been living under a rock in the far reaches of siberia,
this is the nurse in houston, who methodically murdered her 5 small children.
i am not a reporter, therefor i will use emotion.

this woman gave a video taped confession describing in detail how she drowned each of them, one by one, in the bathtub. when the oldest managed to escape, she chased him down, through their house.
that was reported through the houston cronicle.

are you ready for more?
i wasn't.

this woman methodically drowned each of these young children in the bathtub, starting with 2 yr old luke, then 3 yr old paul, followed by 5yr old john.
after each child died she carried their lifeless little bodies into a bedroom and laid them on a sheet.
she stated that 7yr old noah came into the bathroom while she was holding her 6-month old daughter, mary.
according to the accounts, he asked...
"what's wrong with mary"?
this is when andrea chased 7 yr old noah through the house, dragging him back to the bathroom and drowning him next to his baby sister mary.

ok,now the next logical question would be...why?

apparently, she and her husband, russell, the father of these children, are claiming....
post partum depression.
bullshit.
yes, that is my professional opinion.
as a mother.
as a human being.

post partum depression effects 10 to 20% of women following childbirth.
it is extremly rare for it to be extreem, and in those cases where it is, the fear is that the patient will hurt herself.
depression is not usually violent. if i had a dictionay handy right this second i'd quote you the actual definition..but i'm not going to waste my time right now.

i had a slight case of it after i gave birth to my twins.
they woke up one night crying, i started crying, they cried even harder, then i cried even harder. finally hubby woke up and came into take care of them.
they stopped crying.
i started balling hysterical.
there was an overwelming feeling of helplessness.
that i was failure.
but never was there a feeling of wanting to harm my child.

wht was almost more infuriating than the actual act, wasthat this man, stood up to the news reporters holding a picture of his now dead family and stated that he was standing behind his wife. that he loves her, and wasn't in her right mind.
heeelllloo...not in her right mind?
this woman had a history with post partum depression, having tried to commit sucide after she had given birth to 2 yr old luke.
and her father recently died.
why was this woman left alone with these children?
her husband can defend her all he likes.
but he is just as responsible for this tragidy.
he did nothing to protect his children.
has he stopped to think of what these childrens last thoughts were, as their mother...their security...their saftey, snuffed the life from their tiny bodies.

he can stand up for his wife...
but who is standing up for mary, luke, paul, john and noah.

on an even more horrific note...
thousands of parents cried out in terror today.
they are facing hell on earth.
the fear is building.
today was the last day of school.

well hopefully i'll find something happy to write about next...
maybe tonights outing will provide insperation.

i promise not to watch the news.

til later
bye

2001-06-21T10:44:00.000-04:00

my life is a symphony of fuck-ups.
each one, so finely orchestrated, that unless you step up to the conductor's podium, their notes flow together to form the perfect life.
which is so far removed from the truth, that i sometimes forget myself.

yesturday was a boring day.
i suceeded.
and i didn't set my nails a flame or get stung by a bee.

instead, i came to realise i need to make some changes in my life.
which led to thinking about connections and the choices we make.

when i was 20, i really didn't think about the choices i was making, or how they would affect the rest of my life and the people around me. i just went with it.
now, on the brink of 30, i know, unequivably, that my choices affect more people than myself, and that it will have rippleing affects for the rest of my life.
so i ask, how do we know what the right choice is?

this is my dilema.
to shit or get off the pot.
sounds simple, right?
wrong.

the fear of taking the wrong path at this point in my life...
is parylizing.
when you stay in a situation for a prolonged period of time, say a third of your life, you become conditioned to it.
even if, in the deep resources of your mind you know that this is not the way things should be.

have you ever looked down the barrel of a shot gun?

boy this is such an upbeat posting.

fear really can control your life. to actually face down personal fears and conquor our own demons is the hardest things to do. for people on the outside looking in, the "right" choices tend to be easy.
but unless we have walked a lifetime in their shoes carrying all their baggage, how do we know what they fear.
they may be justified.

i fear making the wrong choice...again
so i have staid in an unhealthy situation for too long.
unfortunately that quick fix is not right around the corner, and i'm now at a point in life were i need to make a move down another path.

which path do i choose...it would be oh so ever helpful to be able to flash my high beams and see were i'm going.

well, i'm tired of being so self analysing.

any one have a crystal ball?

til later
bye

2001-06-20T09:01:00.000-04:00

today will be a bore.
i have decided.
there for...i won't let anything happen today to make it exciting.

wouldn't life be so much easier if we could actually do this?
just wake up in the mornings and choose what type of day we will have.
sigh...

now that i've put out there, what type of day i'm choosing.....
i know without a doubt...
the exact opposite will occur.

i have nothing scheduled today to make it exciting.
peanut will be coming over with her daughter, guppie, and we are doing the girlie thing.
getting our nails done. can we say oohhhh aahhhhh.
see, nothing exciting about getting "I don't do a fucking thing" nails.

hmmm....isn't nail polish flammable?

too bad i didn't have a secret trist lined up with some incredible hunk of "y" chromosome.
wouldn't that be exciting?

hmmm...the mind went blank. this is why today will be non descript.
and this is why i'm not going to write any more today...
instead, i'm going to go have a cigarette and drink my coffee...
who knows....maybe i'll get stung by a bee.

here's a scientifically proven fact i'll leave you with...
according to another program on the discovry channel, there is an actual gene which governs intelligence.
it is only found on the "x" chromosome.
so for you guys, any intelligence that you can claim....

well, thank your mothers for it.

til later
bye

2001-06-19T02:39:00.000-04:00

i stand corrected.
as a member of the double "x" persuasion, i can, of course, admit if i was wrong.

i'll wait, while skye finishes laughing.

apparently, i was mistaken in thinking the "y's" were difficult to understand.
according to skye, who is ALL "y" (except when eating an ice cream cone...now, if i knew how to link, you could go read what i'm talking about....sigh...but i don't, so take my word for it when i say...skye has an uncanny insight on being manly.)
now, where was i....oh yeah, according to skye, "y"'s are not complex.
they are simple.

well, before he goes off on a tangent about my putting words in his mouth...
skye did not state that they are simple...just that they're not complex.

hence, they are then...simple.

but here in lies the quandary, some of the most complex things in life start out simple...
the intricate makings of a human being starts off with an egg and sydney, the stupid sperm.
simple, yet complex

psst....for all the women in the universe...skye let me in on the secret workings of the '''y's."
they only require us to do 3 things for them.

"feed them."
"fuck them."
"treat them nice."

hmm...simple.

skye also told me the secret to winning an argument with the "y" or getting our own way with the "y".

NOTE:
i would just like to state here, that i am repeating what a "y" actually told me...this does not necessarily mean i agree with the opinion.

ok...get this fellow "x's", to win an argument...all we have to do is...

have sex with the "y".

i will assume here, that pretty much any and all sexual acts would probably work well for this.

now here is part II...to get our own way...all we have to do is...

blow them.

wait, it gets better...i know, i know, how could it possibly get better...listen up...

to get our way, we are to "stop blowing them just as they are ready to come."

ok, i'm going to interject here for a moment...you can contact skye at...nghtskye@aol.com.
please feel free to let him know your own thoughts on his instructions.

now back to the regularly scheduled program.

yes, you did read that correctly.

we are to stop before they come.

at that time, apparently we can ask for anything and get it...we could even get it in writing.

now, skye did point out that the "y" might not be happy afterwards.
(can we say....understatement of the year?)

but, if we follow his first intructions, all we have to do is have sex at that point and all is well.

again... that's nghtskye@aol.com

ok, lets recap this. an undisputed "y" tells me that they are not complex. he then goes on to tell me the only 3 things needed to keep them happy. after this information, he continues with detailed instruction for the "x's" on how to be manipulative in getting "over" on his own kind.

one more time....nghtskye@aol.com

....but they're not confusing.

til later-
bye

2001-06-17T13:09:00.000-04:00

i wasn't going to post today.
figured i would just sit back and ignore all the rambling thoughts and ideas bouncing off of each other in my mind.
but, as you can see, i have trouble resisting temptation.
it's raining outside.
as opposed to raining inside...which would really suck.
anyway, i was sitting outside on my porch, smoking a cigerette and drinking my coffee.
ah...the simple things in life.
and i started thinking of today.
today is father's day.
it's a day when we are supposed to honor the men whom have shaped our lives.
so, i thought to myself...
well, i have a father..why not honor him here.
so...dad, i honor you.

seriously though, it made me think about fathers. the good ones, the bad ones, the indifferent ones, the non-existant ones...all of them.
and i started to thank god for bringing my father into my life.
see, i technically have two fathers...three if you count when my husband decides to forget that i'm his wife, and not a child.
but, hell i have the same problem with him at times too.
anyway, as i was saying, i have two fathers.
actually, i have a father and a daddy. i'll call them bio father, and big "t"
bio father, donated a sperm.
which i do thank him for. i wouldn't be here if it weren't for that small detail.
and i'm sure that since he contributed to half of my dna, there are other parts of me i should thank him for.
but then again, he had some fun giving them to me...so,enough thanks has been given.
but the one thing that i'm truly thankful for, from him, is my daddy.
bio father let big "t" adopt me.
at the age of 5 1/2, my mom and big "t" married.
big "t" adopted me shortly there after.
and he took on a ready made family.
now, i know there are plenty of men out there that do this.
some of them well, and some of them...not so well.
the ones that do it well, that get it right, are truly some of the most special men around.
it's challenging to be a parent when it's your own child.
when it's someone elses child...the challenge has become almost insurmountable...
except for the men who are special.
i lucked out.
i got one.
not that i always knew this or appreciated this fact.
see, i understood at the age of 5, that in order for big "t" to adopt me, that bio father had to give up all rights to me.
i had a tiny little problem with knowing this information.
in my head, i thought well, if my own bio father didn't love me enough to keep me, why should big 't"?
especially when he and mom went on and had three children of thier own.
luckily i got therapy.
as an adult looking back, or maybe just being a parent myself, i can truly appreciate all that i never saw growing up.
big"t" shaped my life.
he was the male constant in my life.
he held me when i was scared.
he scared me when he yelled.
he worried when i was sick.
he punished me when i was wrong...which was like, never...(ok, now i'll grasp some reality...hehe)
he taught me not to throw a baseball like a "girl".
he showed up to my games,cheering.
he took me on a "date" the first time my heart got bruised.
he "hated" the first male i fell in love with.
he cheated playing goldfish.
he made me laugh.
he made me cry.
he cried when leaving me at college.
he walked me down the isle.
he choked up when holding my first born and finding out we named our son after him.
he gave me the best advice to his ability.
he was right.
he was wrong.
he is not perfect.
he is perfect for me.
he loves me unconditionally.
he is not my father...

he is my daddy.

so, on this day in which we honor our father's, i honor a man who shaped my life and who could not love me more if i were of his dna.

thank you daddy.

til later-
bye

2001-06-16T13:59:00.000-04:00

blogger.com
well it's sat. morning...actually afternoon.
i'm back to using no capitals, but for the sake of detail...i'll try to spell correctly.

it had been suggested to me that i not talk about my children...
so, i'll talk about other people's children.

just kidding.

i do have children...4...wait...strike that, 3 not 4 children. the husband at times acts like a child...like most men tend to. so i forget.

I am not "male bashing".

i happen to love men.

i just do not understand them.

at all.

not a bit.

but i'm hoping to learn to.

it's that whole "y" chromosome thing.

it does something the human male psche.
whether the "y" is 10 or 90...it doesn't make a difference. they are inigma's.
for the sake of clarity, i'm going to interject here...any coments that i make from here on out that sound like random generalizations are in fact personal observations from my own dealings with both men and woman. i am not a certified phsychologist. i don't have a phd in sociology. i just have my own experiences. so, i'm just talking about the men and women i myself have encountered.
ok, now that i have cleared that up...

i have a husband, i have 2 sons, i have a father, i have a brother, i also have many "y" friends.

they confuse me.

i actually understand the whole sports thing...i just equate it with the soap issue with women. there is an escape in watching...perhaps, even playing. sports enable men to feel the thrill of competition...gladiators.

i know...it's a simple reason. but, then truth tends to be simple.

the same goes for women and the soaps...its an escape, the glamor, the romance...it feeds our fantasies.
there's nothing wrong with this as long as we remember that it's only a game...or, that it's all make believe.

men and women also tend to use their minds different, to communicate differently, to observe differently.
take for example the scene of an automobile accident.

there are two witness'. one "y" and one double "x".

when the officer askes "y" to describe what he saw...you get plain facts....
"the driver of the blue 1964 1/2 ford mustang convertable, lisence plate # az3-g4h, ran the stop sign at the corner of 5th and maple, heading east, doing about 45 miles per hour. He's a white male, about 36. 6'2" about 178lbs, with a scar on his left cheek. there was someone walking a dog on the north side of maple."

when the same officer asks "x" to describe the same scene...
"the driver was a white male in his 30's, on the tall side and with an average build. he was wearing a red jacket with jeans, stone washed. he had white sneakers on. he has blue eyes and a scar on the side of his face, the driver's side. he was driving a baby blue classic car with the top down. there was a woman walking her golden retriever across the street heading towards the cvs on the corner. oh, and the man was listening to twisted sister's "i wanna rock" as he flew by me."

see the difference. neither one is necessarily a better discription, in fact you can deduece similar information from both. but, they are stated differently, with different observations sinking in.

the same does not go for communication, or for relationships.

a while back i watched a program on the discovery channel dealing with men and women.
i won't quote from it,as it was a while ago, but the jist of the program has stayed with me.
the differences between "y" and "x" can be traced back to cro-magnum man.

men were the hunters...women the gatherers....hence the difference in shoping.

"y's" will go in to a store and go directly to the isle they need to be in. they will find what they need, purchase it and leave. "x's" will go in to a store and go down EVERY isle, gathering things they see that they need, and thinking of things they may need in the future. we then purchase the items and leave the store.

usually forgetting to get the item we originally went in to purchase.

the program also stated, that in communication, there is a scientific fact as to why we differ.
"y" and "x" have a different ratio of words to use per day.
seriously, that's what the program said..it's something like 2:5.

2000 words for the "y" to the 5000 words for "x".

hehehe...this would explain a lot.

apparently men only use this amount of words on any average day...so they have limited resources when talking to women if they have used up all thier words for that day.

we women need to undersatand this, so that when we need to have an important discussion with the males....

we talk to them first thing in the morning.

hmmm...well i am still no closer to understanding the "y's" any better, and my brain is starting to go into over-drive.

so, i'll save the relationships for another day.

oohhhh ahhhhh

that will be...um...an experience.
til later-
bye

2001-06-15T09:33:00.000-04:00

OK. It happened again.
I need to re-evaluate my thinking.
God is not playing with me.
I am a spaz.

I lost my post...
again.

sigh

I sat down this morning and started typing. I had almost finished, when I had this brilliant idea to check something in a different window...
So I did.
When I came back...
Nada.
Nothing.
A blank screen to match my blank stare.
I am a spaz.

So I start again.

I had written that today was going to be a good day.
Not a great day. Not an earth shattering, momentous day.
But, a good day.
I have an inside track. I'm in the know.
I read my horoscope.
"Fun is healthy. The right group feeds your soul. All who matter are on your side."
See. A good day.
And my spelling will be perfect.

HAHAHA

The reason I brought up horoscopes was because of birthdays.
We all have them. Yet, I haven't the faintest idea why they seem to effect the masses at large the way they do.

My father turned 56 yesturday.
He turnd 55 last year.
He will turn 57 next year.
He is not a happy camper.
For as long as I can remember he has had a problem with his birthday. We celebrate it. The cake. The presents. The laughter. But for days, weeks even, the tension rises. Forget mentioning the dreaded "B" word..or teasing.
Which really sucks for me.

Now Dad is not the only one with this problem. One of my "bestest" friends, Peanut, turned 30 last year.
She stated crying on her 27th B-day.
Because she was 3 years from turning 30.
I of course laughed at her. I'm a year and a half younger.
But I am turning 30 on August 15th, and I can't wait.
I have been looking forward to turning 30 for the past...oh...5 years.
It's a big one, like turning 16.

At 16, I couldn't wait to grow up and become a real adult.
At 16, I had hopes and dreams, I had expectations and no realities.
At 16, life was a fantasy.
At 16, turning 30 was light years away.
At 16, 30 was, like, really old.

On the brink of tuning 30, I still can't wait to grow up and become a real adult.
I still have hopes and dreams. I have realities and no expectations.
Life is still a fantasy. Well, I keep hoping if I say that enough it will eventually happen.
Positive thinking.
So I ask again..what is the big deal? Why am I not dreading the 30 thing?

Is it because there are still thousands of things I want to experience, or, is it because I can still appreciate the joy that comes from just being silly. Like going into a toy store and haveing a gun fight at the Alamo through the isles. Or just sitting up 'til the sun rises with your very best friend, whispering deepest desires and secrets, and giggling at the fact that we haven't slept in 24 hrs.
I don't think I will ever figure it out.
Then again, maybe there is a really simple reason why I'm not dreading 30.

When I get proofed for my damn cigarettes, I can feel proud that I look like a kid.

Til later...
Bye.

2001-06-14T13:08:00.000-04:00

Hello People's....Let me just start this out by saying...I am cursed....

Really...I have no luck...except bad....my life is just one big irony...yes...i know i can't spell...and i tend not to use capitals...so just deal with it. there are more important things to worry about in life...like "will blair and todd finally get together on one life to live"...or children all over the world starveing...so get you priorities straight dammit!

ok...i decided to start this blog today... actually it was this morning. i have all this crap filling up the vast resources of this remarkable brain of mine...so i had the idea to start this. which is a first for me...the idea of haveing people read what are my innermost thoughts; therories..to have them form their own opinions ...
hmmm...

maybe...just maybe, i should rethink this.

but i won't.

then again...after what just happened...maybe i will.

the fates are working against me...or...
God is using me to enterain himself again.

No, really...he does that often in my life...that is my purpose here...god has a warped sense of humor...and i'm his favorite toy.

i wrote this first post...spent soooo much time on it....agonized over what word to use, what thought to incorporate.

even used capitals...
even checked a dictionary...
then....
as i sat back...and patted myself on the knee(never could undestand the whole back thing...have you ever tried to pat yourself on the back...it's really quite difficult and uncomfortable. not to mention looking just plain moronic.)anyway...as i was patting myself on the knee for a job well done...

i went to post it...
sigh
and God took over.

or...i'm a spaz...

i'll take option one for 200 alex.

i lost the whole post.
yes...the entire thing.
can we say... FUCK ME.
so... now you get the "who cares version...i'm just gonna lose it anyway..."
i had wrote about some facts...
you know the ones...that are really boring, but just have to come out...otherwise you might think the person writing this is a 6'4" blond haired, brown eyed male from marrocco, named imogene...his parents were oh so cruel to him, and that he is desperatly trying to become this world famous writer, yet has this phobia of people actually reading what he writes...so he sits back and writes anonomosly-yes i know...the spelling...go scroll up and read about priorities...-and waits for the day when he can finally rise above his fears and grace the literary world with his wonderous works of literature.

this would not be true...it was all a figment of my incredibale imagination..a fantasy...
i am a female.
i'm 5'4"...well no.. i'm lieing again...i'm realy 5'3 and 1/2"...but...i want to be 5'4"..so..i now am...
i'm a redhead and blue eyed.
i don't live in morrocco...i live on an island here in ny.
my name...well lets just say..my parents were interesting in chooseing my name..the words "were your parents hippies" have been spoken when refering to my name...seriousely...2 people in one night uttered those exact words...
and finally i'm not longing to be a world famous writer...i'm just trying to figure out my self.
i'm turning 30 in august...yes, for those in the know...i'm a leo...for those who couldn't care less...
tough...now you know too.
i'll get into the thiry thing another time...all i'll say right now is... i myself am excited to actually become a "real" adult. i'm hopeing to finaly grow up...
the jury's still debating that one.
the idea to bore you in to wanting to go sit and watch golf, actually came from one of my oldest and dearest "Y" chromosome friends, nightskye. he, along with his good buddy, and now mine too... ghost,have blogs.
they are both tremendously talents writers...
they are humorus...
they are both warped...
sigh
god i love their writing...
but the shame of it is...
i am computer illiterate.
so i can't link you.

maybe one day i'll figure it out...and we can go on the wildest ride with them.
well...since this is a futile attempt at posting..'cause i just know somehow this won't post..i'm going to end here.
i'll be back...
scary but true....
til then...
bye